The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episodes 3 and 4

Life (work) happened Wednesday night, so it’s a twofer recap this week. I’m gonna try and make it as snappy as possible, because when I’m as tired as I am right now, my jokes get even weirder than usual. And when you’ve got pig-catching and cream pies, there’s not a lot of value-add in the jokes.

Episode 3
Laura is first up with the single date. Everyone on Twitter is sure Laura looks like Georgia Love, but is it possible she just has brown hair? I don’t know. I grew up in The Whitest Town On Earth, so I may just be finely tuned to the minor facial differences of white girls. Laura and Matty board a series of increasingly large boats because it’s not a Bachie Date without some transpo porn I guess. Laura chatters away nervously, and I find myself going off Matty even more (after his weird focus on Lisa not being fussy about her hair or makeup) when he tells her ‘You don’t have trouble talking’. In fact if I didn’t have her in the sweeps I may have voted for her to walk out of the entire competition when in response to her question her had to confirm that he does not in fact own any of the boats. They pull up to a waterfront property with easels set up – their very ill-advised will involve drawing each other! It goes a bit like this:

During the course of this, it’s pretty clear that Laura’s a bit uncomfortable with the situation – she responds to Matty’s genuinely attempts to flirt (calling her beautiful) by leaning heavily on the banter and sarcasm. I find this relatable af, but it might show that she will struggle with having a heavily filmed romance down the line. They retire for a cheeky cheese platter and some serious chats, mostly about why he chose her to go out on a date. She finally sneaks a compliment in, telling him that he makes her feel special when he looks at her, but all in all their conversation feels very human and kinda awkward – the giggling and head-shaking to break the tension a realistic prelude to….THE FIRST PASH. They seem to have a thoroughly good time. I’m still grossed out by other people’s tongues. She gets a rose.

Meanwhile back at the mansion, a group date has been announced. Leah hopes it’s competitive, because of course. Jennifer says she would actually fear for her safety being on a competitive group date with Leah, which is a great thing to say about your friend and also means it’s good that she’s not on the list for the date.


They tenuously link this Henry VIII-themed date, complete with dress-ups, to Matty spending some time in London – although I have to wonder how much of that time was spent touching himself while watching The Tudors to make this link.
(No judgement there, we’ve all had Special Thoughts about Natalie Dormer watching that show).
The most tenuous part of the whole thing is somehow linking It’s A Knockout challenges with the Tudor period. I’m not even going to try and explain that. First, there’ll be moving some piglets in to pens. Cobie, Akoulina, Simone and Leah are the lucky ladies participating in the first challenge. Akoulina tells us ‘If I can handle a piglet, I can handle Matty’ and I’m sure I could dig some sexual innuendo out of that…but she can’t handle a piglet, it turns out. It’s mostly a shit show – except for country girl (there may be an unnecessary ‘o’ there) Leah. Matty tells us ‘I didn’t think it would be something she would be in to…but she is quite the pig-catcher’, and… welcome to Leah’s new Recap Nickname. Cobie also proves herself adept at tackling small animals so she and Pig Catcher are through to the end-of-night banquet.

Lisa, Sharlene, Michelle and Belinda have to do a combo sackrace/quoits game, and the main thing we learned here is that Twitter thinks it’s spelled coits and when Lisa wins she will tell the camera ‘I literally have sweat from my neck, back and crack’ but she won’t mention this to Matty, which seems odd given how keen he is for her to prove that she’s no-fuss. My notes don’t tell me who else got through so just presume it’s Sharlene, Michelle or Belinda and they do very little else this episode.

Now it’s time for Ye Olde Soccer for Alix, Elora, Elise and Stephanie and I can see no problem playing football in a full-length gown against a bunch of incredibly competitive people. Nope. I think Elora actually goes for the shins at some point. Matty: ‘Football is sometimes referred to as ‘the beautiful game’. These girls have given us….something else entirely’. Elise and Alix smash it.

So now we have our six for the ‘banquet’ where it’s apparently appropriate for everyone to sit on the same side of the table. A producer makes Matty ask how things are going in the house, and Pig Catcher jumps in tell him her suffering because she’s ‘protective’ and takes other people’s emotions on. Every other lady in the room has to physically fight to stop their eyes from rolling back in to their heads. Drunk, bored Pig Catcher then interrupts Elise as soon as she gets a solo chat, to further plumb the depths of this sob story (she’s open about how fake it is in interview). She even drags her Mum under the bus by explaining that she thinks she gets her instinct to take on other people’s problems from her mother, who is a nurse. Matty, who is….surely…not that stupid, says he is glad she is ‘here for the right reasons’ which elicits a direct-to-camera reaction from Leah which is strongly reminiscent of another person who’s familiar with pigs:

It’s all for nought however, as Alix (who pulled the classic ‘does my bum look big in this?’ in her bustle gown) receives the rose.
There’s a ‘surprise’ rose ceremony at the end of this date, which means only girls on the group date are up for elimination and we have to put up with Jen for another episode. Osher rubs in how little time you can end up having with Matty, which seems mean for poor old Elise who got to chat to him for approximately 30 seconds.

Akoulina is eliminated and presumably ribbon dances in to the night.

swift fancing


Episode 4
Guys did you know that just like the Hems, Matty J was also in Pony Club?

I’d forgotten that it has come up in Georgia’s season, but I’m SO glad the show has given me another reason to have the Saddle Club theme song stuck in my head for the next 40 years. It truly is…fun for everyone.

Matty has decided to take poor unsuspecting Cobie to Sydney Polo Club where she’s greeted by rain and the stallion that Matty rides up on stopping for a deeply intrusive wee, and honestly it’s 100% too much horse wang on my TV for a Thursday night. You’d think it would help break the ice but Cobie also is low-key pissing herself because she hasn’t really been pursuing equine fun since she rode a pony as a kid. Everyone back at the house debates Cobie’s ability to be ‘sexy’, given she has been giving off a very goofy, sweet, vibe so far. Jen is quite confident in her own musk, as per usual ‘I know I give off sex appeal. But for me that’s just quite natural’.

In other mansion scenes, Tara re-assures the rest of the girls who have not had a one-on-one ‘When I’m eating I save the best for last, I eat my veggies first and save my schnitty. We’re the schnitty’ which is probably going to be my new Tinder bio. Jen refers to herself as the ‘crème la de crème’ which is probably a sign that she needs some Extremely Basic French lessons from Elora.

For some reason after their ride the show cannot pay any sort of stable hand, so Matty and Cobie have to wash the horses themselves. Matty’s a bit of a control freak with the hose, but Cobie (who works in the mines), confidently asserts ‘I wash coal, I’m sure I can wash a horse’. Everyone relaxes once they head inside and devour some lovingly product-placed Johnnie Walker, in fact Cobie is so very relaxed she decides to recite a poem she has written for Matty.
It doesn’t rhyme aggressively so I guess we’ll all live. Matty is flattered by the thought that went in to it and gives her a rose. There’s a bit of awkward to-and-fro-ing when she tells him she wants to kiss him, and they forget to tilt and once again I am  not pleased with seeing non-fictional heterosexuals kiss on-screen. She gets the same vehement ‘endgame’ string  music that Laura got for her pash, which is worth keeping in mind as we consider who’s a contender for the long run.

Quizzing Cobie about her date the next day, the term ‘Our boyfriend’ comes out again which I honestly think was funny about two times. I mean, if you can’t approach a situation where a man is dating over a dozen women at once with their full knowledge and consent with some humour, then you’re screwed, but it just comes off as a bit overplayed. Unsurprisingly this term is used most often by Jen, who has never had a conversation of any significance with Matty.

Everyone is on the ‘surprise’ group date that Matty pops around to invite them to, which is nice because it stops me trying to note down everyone’s names. It’s a giant board game which is a version of the ‘how well do you know me/how compatible are we?’ competition they do around this point every season. Except, there’s not usually cream pies. That’s right, there’s opportunities to smash each other in the face with banana cream pies and if you don’t know what one of those looks like, please use SafeSearch in your Google journey. Surprise surprise at who’s delighted at the idea of some cream pie action – it’s Pig Catcher. She’s lucky not to catch a one in the face when Simone (who she and Jen bullied in episode 2 along with Elora) lands on the lucky square. Simone instead decides to go for Liz, after out the corner of her eye she saw her ‘face who never smiles’. Give her something to smile about, Simone.

Michelle (the cop) doesn’t mind getting sent to ‘jail’ (which is got all intents and purposes a go-go cage) as, in her words ‘I got to drink, I got to observe’. Give her a phone to Tweet from and she is all of us watching Bachie.
Stephanie gets the immense pleasure of delivering a cream pie to Jen’s face, although Jen uses this as an opportunity to draw attention to herself.

Florence manages to impress at the question rounds, but Michelle wins (there seems to be no prize except hugging Matty). But Flo isn’t done with Matty, and Bachie isn’t done with being sponsored by RedTube for the evening. At the cocktail party, she pulls Matty aside for a little Dutch lesson, complete with sexy school teacher outfit (Alix: ‘It was very sensual’). This includes teaching him to say ‘Will you accept this rose’ in Dutch, which he cutely pulls out during the rose ceremony.

Elsewhere at the cocktail party, Leah stirs up shit by implying to Cobie that the other girls (aka Leah) will be annoyed if she tries to get time with Matty, already being in possession of a rose. This comes up every season and everyone seems to think it breaks some sort of code, despite the fact that their time with the Bachelor is incredibly limited. Cobie feels she needs to clear the air with Matty after passing up the opportunity to kiss him during the game – and given one of the girls in the mansion had earlier mentioned she hadn’t seen Matty in two full weeks, any sensible person could understand her motivation. The execution isn’t ideal – she approaches him when he is talking to Simone, and asks to speak to him when they’re done… but loiters right next to them in a way that doesn’t really allow them to continue their conversation. So Simone understandably is upset when he leaves to talk to Cobie, but given Simone’s long-standing beef with Jen and Leah, you know when those two leap to her defence, it is only to insert themselves in the drama. And do they ever. Leah marches in to the room Cobie is in with Matty, announces she is ‘playing Devil’s Advocate’ and informs Cobie that her actions have upset others. Cobie is beautifully dismissive of Pig Catcher’s attempt to stir up trouble but it is of course horrifically awkward. Leah tells everyone that Cobie told her she ‘doesn’t care’, and Jen, taking her word as gospel, tells Laura that she can’t defend Cobie as she ‘wasn’t there’, ignoring the fact that she also was not there.

As Cobie and Matty re-enter the party, Jen is shouting:
‘She’s in the in the hallway SMILING….Hi Cobes’
It institutes a period of silence so awkward it can only be broken by a rose ceremony.

We farewell another person who has received no screen time since she made Matty stare in to her eyes and touch her boob for a full minute in the premiere. Farewell Belinda, who I was so unfamiliar with I wrote the name ‘Bianca’ in my notes mere seconds after her name was spoken onscreen. I hope you meet a fan of eye contact.



Published by

Katie Sparkes

A Romantic Realist

6 thoughts on “The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episodes 3 and 4”

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