‘But I’m such a good cooooooook!’
Ding dong, the witch is dead. But it was some manufactured bullshit, and I want to talk about that, so I’m breaking with chronological format. We can come back to Elise and Matty’s Knight Bus snorefest later.
To trace this nonsense however, we do have to backpedal a little bit, to the group date. The date card reads ‘Let’s live every day like it’s summer’ and everyone’s invited. They go to the beach on a pretty garbage-looking day – and in fact it starts pissing down rain at the end. There’s a bunch of vaguely sports-related events – throwing balls around in a pool cleaning net, tossing thongs, and volleyball. I get the feeling the producers got drunk to come up with those ones. Sports-related dates always bring out the competitive side of the girls, and for Jen, watching paint dry could be a competitive sport. But a sudden rivalry appeared out of thin air for Jen this episode, and it had a mighty whiff to it.
Lisa’s apparent crime, at the start of the date, was her youth and immaturity. Now Jen has never noted any problem at all with Lisa that we’ve seen, as she’s mostly been heaping shit on people like Simone (who she now seems chummy with now that her buddy Michelle has left, RIP). Jen gets more riled up over the group date, as her team (consisting of herself, Florence, Simone, Laura, and Elise) are smashed by Lisa, Elora, Tara and Cobie. At the end of the second round, with Jen and Lisa going head-to-head with a patriotic round of throwing-thongs-into-eskies, Jen declares Lisa to be her ‘target to sabotage’.
Shout out to my fellow 80’s movie fans, but every time any villain gets this thirsty, I just start thinking ‘you must chill!’
Anyway, the reason Jen thinks Lisa Tucker must die or whatever comes out at the end of this segment. Apparently Lisa isn’t even attracted to Matty, and once Lisa’s team win the day, Jen starts pondering if Matty should be enlightened to this fact.
So, at the cocktail party, she tells him. She does not, as she tells the girls, ‘suggest he talk to Lisa’. She says ‘I think you need to be really mindful of Lisa. She’s said you’d been like a brother…she’s not that in to you’. Now, we saw on the group date that Lisa is in fact worried that she doesn’t feel as strongly about Matty as some of the rest of the group, so this is not entire bullshit. But when the other girls call her out for also saying that Lisa has purported that Matty is on the show the ‘keep his social status up’ (i.e stay in the public eye), it comes out that Jen allegedly overheard all these things being said when she was ‘in her room doing push-ups’. I’ll let Laura ask the pertinent question here:
Could it be, say, a producer? My suspicion became very strong on this one after Jen stormed off in a huff after getting in to this spat (not even a particularly bad one, I must say). Jen is not willing to fight this one out because she knows there’s a fib in there that she can’t defend. But my suspicion that this is highly manufactured was seriously piqued as Jen cried to a producer (uttering the classic line ‘I’m THE game-changer, I’m not A game-changer’) – the producer knew she wanted to quit and encouraged her to do a foot stomp, asking her if she’d regret it if she left without giving the girls a piece of her mind.
Come on. This is some A-grade manufactured bullshit. The producers put her in this position to create more drama (and possibly bring Lisa back in to the game), and she just wants to quit before she gets busted for it on national television. Instead, she wants to create her own narrative. ‘I’m the girl that walked away from Matty J’
Feels appropriate to end that section of the recap at 666 words. Let’s move on. Other things happened!
Most importantly, our queen Tara was smashing a sausage (down boy) when Matty wanted to talk to her at the end-of-group-date victory barbie, so she just took it with her. And then pulled the ultimate power move of shoving it in his mouth.
I honestly can’t wait til Tara’s finale montage (she’ll come second, making her a shoo-in for Bachelorette), which will just be a series of shots of her swearing and eating phallic-shaped food.
I suppose we really must cover Matty’s date with Elise, which opened the episode. One of the first things he mentions to her was how great it was to meet her Dad. Phil does indeed seem like a legend and his wingman skills are clearly par excellence because hey, here’s Elise on a single date right now. But I’m really not sure about mentioning someone’s Dad straight up….and then shortly afterwards, upon visiting a florist, mentioning that your own Mum is pretty much the only woman you buy flowers for (err I guess he doesn’t technically pay for all those roses…). Matty, how about we just leave the parents out of all flirting endeavours entirely. She is however excited to receive a bouquet, as no man has bought her flowers again. When Matty expresses surprise, she cackles that ‘Yeah my last boyfriend was not ideal’ (I feel like American Bachie would have wrenched more from that). Anyway, he’s got Elise on a double-decker bus, presumably the one all those girls keep getting thrown under, something something lived in London. He’s showing Elise some of his favourite spots in Sydney, which seem to involve aforementioned florist, a….tennis club?…and finally a park. Mad tour bro. Elise is scared to let her competitive side out when Matty asks her to play some hockey – she’s a former Hockeyroo and presumably has scared some guys off before! Matty is in to it though, and they flirt and wrestle around on the ground while awkwardly not kissing for while. The moment to kiss just passes….so many times.
I was really starting to worry about Elise. She seems very lovely, but after the cheek kiss debacle last week, and then this hesitation (he was definitely making the Fuck Eyes at her), I thought she was a goner. But it turns out all she needed was a bit more awkward chat in a hot tub on a boat. They have a pash and he gives her a rose.
Matty is very effusive in his praise of Elise in this episode, and talks a lot about the ‘slow burn’ situation that he sees as reflective of his journey with Georgia. My favourite smart Bachie person Jodi McAlister talked about this in her episode 9 recap, in a far more intelligent way than I can, but basically, that story, it doesn’t fly in Bachie land. The slow-burn doesn’t work in their storytelling mode. It stinks of retcon, but of course, this isn’t all happening in real time. If they needed to tell the Love Story of Matty and Elise, they wouldn’t be starting over halfway through the season. Matty and Georgia shared their first kiss in episode 6, and we’re at episode 10 here. No, this seems much more like a ploy to make the show a more genuine competition – Laura and Tara are the clear frontrunners right now, but we’ve still got a whole lot more show to get through.
And the question is, without the villain, where is the tension going to come from? The show now needs to start making drama from the actual relationships – with the girls left mostly being Nice Girls, the question is now ‘does she like him enough?’ ‘can she put herself and her feelings on the line?’ and, of course, the big one ‘IS SHE READY TO HAVE A BABY IN SPRING 2018?’.
Until next week, gird your uterus.