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‘The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society’: The Victorian Values Review

It’s a mouthful. I’ve been shortening it to Guernsey – because a lot of this film is about Guernsey, and its experiences during WWII – but I was delighted when the girl at the box office told me that some people have been asking for tickets to ‘The Potato Movie’. Come on guys, Peter Dutton’s a long way off getting a biopic.

First up, as always, a trailer:

This particular film is a difficult one to talk about without spoilers, but golly there’s a few of them in the trailer, anyway. Part of the issue, of course, on basing your movie on a bestselling book (in this case, the 2008 novel of the same name) is that you want book fans to know that the key scenes and lines they love are in there. Nonetheless, the trailer could have dropped a little of the content and still been effective.

The movie starts thusly: Juliet Ashton (Lily James) is a successful writer in London, shortly after the end of WWII. She’s starting to become slightly disillusioned with the explosion of partying that has taken over London society, but is having a damn good time with her American diplomat beau, Mark. Her publisher Sidney (my boyfriend Matthew Goode) would be pretty darn happy if she’d just start her next book. Unexpectedly she received a letter from a pig farmer from the island of Guernsey named Dawsey Adams, asking for a book hookup for a group he’s part of – the titular Society. The story of the group’s origin (and let me reassure you – the name’s a gag) draws Juliet in to a correspondence, with her eventual decision to travel to Guernsey to meet this infamous group. Once she arrives, she becomes drawn in to their lives and the tales of what happened when Guernsey was under German occupation during the war.

I was lucky enough to be recommended the book by a friend many years ago, and was very excited when rumours broke in 2013 (yes, five years ago) that Michelle Dockery had been offered the lead, as I thought she would be perfect. To make it clear how long this movie has been in development hell – it was apparently initially intended to be a vehicle for Kate Winslet, and in 2013, Simon Curtis was attached to direct. Although Mike Newell ended up tapped to direct, the movie ended up maintaining the Downton Abbey connection from Dockery and Curtis (who is married to Elizabeth McGovern who played Cora), with a star turn for James (Rose), and support from Penelope Wilton (Isobel Crawley), Jessica-Brown Findlay (Sybil) and Goode (Henry Talbot). Taken together you’ve got a whole lotta people who are incredibly comfortable in period costume. Part of me can’t help but mourn for the idea of Dockery in the lead role, however – in the book, Juliet is 32 years old, and James, who has just turned 29, reads a bit young for a successful writer. She is bloody lovely to look at, though, and is less ‘mannered’ than I’ve seen her in other roles, allowing Juliet a bit of goofiness. The cast is mostly rounded out by people you’ve seen on the telly – like Katherine Parkinson from The IT crowd – and a man I shall henceforth know as The Extremely Handsome Michiel Huisman. Look, I’ve seen The Age of Adaline, I’ve seen Game of Thrones, and he has NEVER done it for me more than in his pig farmer get-up. I don’t understand it and I don’t particularly care to. He is extremely swoon-worthy – noble and caring and just a smidge sarcastic – in this movie.

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Sexy men aside, there are so many factors at play that will determine whether you like this movie. I enjoy it, as I did the book, because I’m intrigued by the lives of ordinary people during WWII. I gobble up books and movies set in the period, even though I know they make me cry every fucking time (this one wasn’t too bad). However, if that bores you….this movie will probably bore you too. I will say that the period details are absolutely stunning, from Juliet’s fancy London get-ups, the phones, the recycled and repaired clothes from the folks on Guernsey, to the old-school ships and planes. There is a lot of attention to detail at work here, and I always want to give props to the people behind the scenes that hunt these pieces down and create props. While the story itself could easily be told in a TV movie, the budget that comes along with a studio feature has allowed some gorgeous work to be given a starring role. Also, a word of warning for the ladies: you will want to buy hats after this. Juliet wears an abundance of wonderful 1940s hats, and it’s no bloody coincidence that I saw this movie yesterday and went and bought a knit beret today.

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Not as nice as this one though.

It’s also a love letter to Guernsey, with lush scenery (although it was predominantly filmed in Devon, unfortunately, due to the logistical issues of filming on the island). And what an extraordinary tale the locals had – the book was well-researched, but the movie also does an excellent job of showing just the kind of difficult position they were put in, forced to live alongside their enemy in such a small space for five years. Whilst the Blitz was a horrifying experience for any Londoner, Juliet quickly learns how different the Guernsey experience was to her own. The Society itself grew from an act of resistance, and she learns the complex interrelation between this small group and the occupying forces, and the legacy it has left behind.

The cast bring a lot of warmth, wit, and heart, to what is at its essence a drama. This is a movie that is hugely at risk of being being trod on by genre pics, coming out right in between A Quiet Place (which I also saw yesterday, and really should have seen first to give my heart an opportunity to recover) and Avengers: Infinity War, and as always, I try to review movies that are at risk of being ignored. However, I think just from the trailer, most people know if they want to see this movie or not. If you’re not interested because you don’t like romance…I’m not sure why you’re reading a Victorian Values review, but sure, skip it. If you’re interested but on the fence, I can assure you that the movie is unlikely to disappoint. It’s not a thrill-ride, but it’s stunning to look at, the leads are charming, and the ending is happy.  And Michiel Huisman is very, very handsome.

Bachelor in Paradise Australia Episode 11: Farewell, Paradise

I think it’s been very clear over my series of recaps – my longest recaps yet, I would say I’ve clocked about 30,000 words so far this series with all the characters to cover and the ridiculous length of the episodes – that I have been frustrated with this show. Filling the cast with garbage men (including a guy convicted of assault), poor editing, the weird hyper-focus on ‘dramatic’ storylines over actual relationships. Nonetheless, I’ve devoted late nights and lunch hours to my writing.

But at some point, I must acknowledge that while writing about a popular show drives eyeballs to my blog (which I make no money out of whatsoever), it also serves as a promotional tool for the show. I become part of the hype that they reap advertising dollars from. And I no longer feel comfortable with that after last night’s show, so I’m going to cease recapping it.

I can’t get on board with the queerbaiting that came to light this episode. There was never any Megan/Elora story as heavily implied by the promos. They spliced in a shot of Megan and Thomas kissing amongst other shots of Megan and Elora to make it appear that way. It’s dirty and low to communities who are just looking for a bit of positive representation. And while I already felt it was a bit salacious to have at least three consecutive shots of them when the rest of the trailer was really random, I figured when you have a storyline so different to what this franchise normally tells, you want to make sure people know about it (obviously it doesn’t hurt that Megan and Elora are beautiful women).

To be clear, this is not a comment on Megan. She is obliged to represent no-one but herself, and if the only people she wants to be in relationships with on this show are men, then that’s chill. Bisexual people’s sexuality doesn’t  depend on whoever they’re with at any given moment.

This is purely about the manipulation on Channel Ten’s part. I don’t want to be part of the hype machine that told such a specific lie to bait people who wanted to see a representation of a queer relationship, finally, on one of these overwhelmingly hereto dating shows.

If you want to read some excellent recaps on the rest of the season, I can highly recommend Jodi McAlister at BookThingo for smart stuff and like 90% the same sense of humour as me with less swearing, and Tahlia Pritchard at Buzzfeed for the lols.

Thank you for reading. I’m yet to decide if I will continue livetweeting (I do really want to see what happens with Apollo….) but you can find me at Twitter here.

Keep an eye out for my next film review to hopefully wash this dirty taste out of my mouth. The worst part is, as misleading as it was, that trailer probably had the best editing of the whole season.

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Bachelor in Paradise Australia: Episode 10

So you all remember how I cancelled Eden two whole episodes for finding it impossible to respect someone’s boundaries, right? Golly was it exciting to finally see Twitter catch up with me on Monday night.

While Apollo is just chilling out is his hammock like a handsome god, Michael is telling Megan that he has changed his mind about letting Lisa come to him. Megan is an excellent get-a-grip friend as always, laying it down on him like:

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And with the girls having the Power of the Roses this week, he’s probably not going to get Lisa’s.

My notes here say ‘some man-bunned idiot turns up’ and it turns out it’s Thomas, from the Canadian Bachelorette, and I have no idea how infamous he may be, but he designates himself as a international fashion model, immediately reminding me of the insufferable David Witko from Georgia Love’s season (who Leah went on to date! I bet she’ll be steering clear of this one).

Keira and Megan both think Tommy Hilfiger here is their type, which, sure, okay. They both go on about how they like rugged, manly guys, and then this fella turns up with a topknot.  When he announces that he’s Canadian, Tara responds with ‘we just got rid of one of you!’, which is delightful. He has a date card and takes Megan off for a chat, and he rambles about enjoying guitar and drawing portraits while Megan is sitting there like ‘Wow, you really don’t need a lot of personality to tempt me away from Jake, do you? Just some dark hair I guess. Wow, this is confronting’.

He takes Leah for a chat and she is essentially, again, ‘best of luck with your future endeavours’, a grand position to be with when you’ve got rose power but no romantic prospects.

While Sam and Luke romantically walk down the beach holding hands, Tara asks Lisa if she feels like she will be in a relationship at the end of the show (seems like a valid moment for the question). While they have not had ‘the chat’, Lisa’s feeling pretty firm about it. Meanwhile, Keira is urging Michael to look to any other girls that come in, instead of pursuing Lisa. Aww guys, you tried. Although Jarrod appropriate cops shit for his ‘Yeah, look at us!’. No-one wants to look at you Jarrod. Get some SPF 50+ immediately, you human tomato.

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But Michael needs answers with Lisa! He knows love ‘is sometimes not served up on a plate…I feel like in this situation you really need to fight for it’. Okay mate but really if someone has clearly made an alternative choice maybe you could just move on with your life instead. She hasn’t spoken to him in like three days, and has gone and spent all of her time with Luke. Anyway, he says that if he doesn’t get a positive result he’s prepared to walk away. He doesn’t get one, although Lisa is kind, but it turns out it’s not ‘walk away from this delusional fantasy where Lisa and I get married’, it’s ‘walk away from the entire show’. Here’s some footage of Michael’s exit:

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(this is never brought up again in the entire episode, like everyone on the island simply didn’t notice).

Back to Lisa and Luke. He’s yammering to camera about how he likes to take things slow, but Lisa is still feeling a little insecure. He seems to be a bit bad at words, but the grand gesture that is desperately needed doesn’t seem to be on the cards either. They’re cuddled up in a cabana and as always this is super unclear, but it appears she has decided to leave…and is asking him to come with her. Why she wants to leave her free holiday is completely unclear, although we have seen a LOT of rain so maybe Fiji in the wet season (which is indeed when this was filmed) just sucks. She ‘doesn’t want to waste any more time’, and accuses of him of just wanting more holiday time. This is….not exactly a crime, but when he confirms this, she just gets really upset. He feels pushed, although he’s terrible at expressing it because Australian Masculinity.

Eventually she comes back to the conversation and apologises for making him feel pressured, but it turns out he’s relented. She’s the one he came here looking for, so they will leave together.

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(Turns out Luke probably cheated on her – they’re being vague about the ‘broken trust’ thing, but they broke up – after they were home so nice work dude)

Elora gets a date card and finally has an opportunity for some time alone with Apollo, and you can basically see her dangling the keys to her sex dungeon. Simone is going in to a tiny rage spiral, being rude to Thomas when he tries to talk to her. She’s determined to have her day ruined. Apollo and Elora go an extremely short distance (rain! again!) to have high tea where they bond over such things as both being carnies (sorry, ‘travelling entertainers’). Elora tries to take the Keenest Bean title from Jarrod at one point by encouraging Apollo to ‘deepen his throat’. But while Apollo thinks Elora is an amazing person (very kind assessment from a kind man), he’s thinking about Simone because he doesn’t want her to be hurt. He tells Elora that he’s looking for someone to travel with, with a lust for life, and that he doesn’t like drama, or people who complain about things. Sounds like Tara to me but okay!

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Whilst everyone is very happy when they come back that Elora finally got her date (and can now shut up about it), Sam observes that Apollo essentially makes a beeline for Simone. They have some cute little lines about how they missed each other, while Elora looks on with an expression that could probably melt steel beams. While it’s ‘a dagger to [her] heart’, she still plans on giving him her rose:  ‘I’m not someone who gives up’. Because that went so well for Michael, y’see.

The next day, Megan is yammering to Keira about her confused Jake/Thomas feelings, while he tells us he’s going to to ask her on a date:  ‘We had a connection, good eye contact…everything you want’. Yep, that’s what we want.

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He asks her and she rebuffs him on account of the Jake-ness of it all, showing him she loyal (only fair considering that’s what he did with Elora, I guess, although Megan would have taken that Elora date in a heartbeat). Thomas tells us ‘I didn’t get this date card not to go on a date…I’m getting a rose tonight, and many more roses’. So he asks Leah. And she shoots him down. So he asks Simone. And she shoots him down.

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In the end, a very odd cheer-up plan is concocted. Jarrod has ‘planned a date’ for he, Thomas, Apollo and Sam to go on. Long story short, they all end up shirtless in a milk bath together, while Apollo is rubbed in lotions and they drink cocktails. It’s very odd but it definitely seems to do the job of taking Thomas’s mind off the fact that no women on the island want him. Also…

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We’re finally up to…. wait I think…. is the final drama for the day. Elora tells Ali in the lead up to the cocktail party that she received a little love note from American Jared. Ali, having no chill, spills this to Jared at said party, telling him how sweet she thinks it is. Yeah, Jared hasn’t been writing any letter. Actually, he can’t even read! (no, jokes). Their suspicions immediately turn to Sooky Old Simone, and Jared shows much greater faith in her that me by exclaiming ‘Nobody’s that stupid!’.

Tell you who is that stupid though? Eden, who thought he was pulling a hilarious prank. Eden tells Jared ‘You should be thanking me’ when confronted (why???), meanwhile Megan has the shitty task of breaking it to Elora, who is appropriately hurt that she was messed with, for no other reason than apparently Eden is a fucking child. Eden asks Elora for a chat and when she tells him she needs a minute, he responds with ‘it has to do with me, so…’  and basically pulls her away, once again fucking refusing to respect someone’s boundaries.

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He tells her it didn’t come from a place of jealousy or malice, so good luck with your comedy career mate because your sense of humour is fucking terrible.

All the usual suspects pick each other at the rose ceremony (Leah chooses Jared), and the decision at the end is left for Elora to pick between Eden and Thomas. I’m not sure why this a choice, except that Elora wanted her chance for an Oscar acceptance speech after all the boys got to do one the other week. She announces: ‘I’m very hurt, by what have you done. But in no way will will I let anybody change who I am. And Eden…I did want you to find love. So I choose you’

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Thomas is out, and we really, truly, barely knew ye. Barely got to know how garbage you could become. Megan thinks this has all cleared some stuff up for her, that she is looking for something deeper and meaningful. Too bad Jake is a puddle.

 

Bachelor in Paradise Australia: Episode 9

Your girl’s laid up at home right now after spraining her ankle on the way to Sydney this weekend. This is my first viewing of Sunday night’s episode and in the interests of getting this up before the next episode in about three hours, I’m just gonna write the recap as I watch. Not my usual mode! I typically take detailed notes as I watch and then write separately. If Channel Ten would just release us from this hellish schedule I could just go back to what works for me, but I guess this is where we’re at. Not having seen this episode, now that Apollo is here there are no guys that I am aware of left to enter, but at least 3 or 4 women that I know of through trailers/being spotted on set. So we’ve still got a bit of an ahem ‘journey’ ahead of us.

Osher tells us that ‘mateship was thrown out the window’ at last week’s dramarama bros ceremony. I’m not sure how the ANZACs would feel about this use of mateship but he did indeed ‘dog his mate’ and I am dying to see if Lisa is showing any interest in him at this point or if was all a show just to let Luke know she has options.

Michael makes the stunning claim to Grant and Megan that ‘Even I didn’t see that coming’, which Megan immediately calls bullshit on because she is the greatest. Mate. We saw you planning it all episode. And you spent at least 3 hours writing your Oscars acceptance speech about selling out. Megan wants to know what the hell happens now – Michael is planning on letting Lisa come to him now he’s made his attentions known. Just a thought – there could have been some private way he could have done that if that’s all he wanted to do. Oh well. Lisa and Luke are off chatting about how Like didn’t see it coming, and he feels like it puts him in a tough position if Michael wants to get to know her. If Lisa is trying to reassure him, she does a terrible job if it, telling him that both Luke and Michael were guys she was interested in getting to know coming in. Luke wants to clarify her feelings for Michael: ‘There’s absolutely nothing there’….and she essentially accepted the rose in shock. ‘Michael is an awesome guy, but I’m interested in you‘. Lisa thinks its brought them together, which is going to be a treat for Michael to find out! So glad Nina basically got sent home because of all this nonsense (although Michael would have likely been pressured by Keira to give his rose to her, so I guess the net result is the same).

Eden is still whinging about how he was a real martyr because Nina wouldn’t let him pash her on national television for ten days. Sam tells him ‘You are far better than the situation than you were subjected to’. To me, that situation seems to be ‘a very mild case of blue balls’, and I’m so glad I can cancel Sam again. Even my Greek god Apollo better be ready to be cancelled if he insists on pursuing someone who has established a clear boundary with him that he refuses to respect.

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A date card is here – Michael would take Lisa on a date for sure if he got it, and we all prey he will so we can be saved from this terrible plotline. Alas, Eden The Annoying gets it, and we all know he’s taking Elora off so he make some weird comments about her body comparing her to meat. Eden: ‘What are you doing?’ Elora: ‘I’m…going on a date?’. And then the most relatable thing in Paradise occurs: Simone leans over and whispers to her ‘What if Apollo comes in and you’re gone?’. And okay, I think everyone who has been here for nearly two weeks (hissing: particularly Tara) should get first dibs on Apollo, but I definitely understand the concern. No-one wants to miss an opportunity there. And Elora is very firm in not wanting to go on this date and missing Apollo: ‘every time he was on screen he just had this presence that drew me in’ (they’re called abs, it’s okay), but she doesn’t want to hurt Eden. Why not just hurt Eden? He’s rubbish, and he’s going to blame you for his case of blue balls eventually too.

Michael hopes Eden acts respectfully and slows the fuck down, because word is he has freaked Elora out by getting ‘all funky fresh’ (golly our Michael has a way with words) and draping his arm around her post rose ceremony. I’m going to say that he is going to have a lot of difficulty with this.

Channel Ten offer him (and her) a small punishment by making them climb up a giant sand dune for their date. She is NOT feeling how touchy-feely and territorial he is being, and when they set up their boogie boards for sand-duning (that is what this activity is called, I have decided) he tries to hop on one with her and the body language should be EXTREMELY CLEAR YOU IDIOT. This may be even worse than the Megan/Jared date, I think. We cut to Keira and Megan chatting just for some sweet relief. Keira is very grateful for Luke giving her a second chance.

Jared is talking to Jarrod, presumably just to confuse Twitter. It seems that maybe Jarrod is convinced Simone is too young, but once again the editing in this show is so fucking terrible. Michael asks Simone about the date and she says while it was a good date, but there was no spark and she wasn’t attracted to him (I’m sorry to be such an ancient stick-in-the-mud, but why kiss in that circumstance?). She wants a pretty boy! A pretty boy with a good personality who doesn’t look in the mirror all the time! Last episode her priority was a guy who wouldn’t lose interest in her, but okay!

The important part here is of course that ‘pretty boy with a good personality’ is the perfect intro for our Magician/DJ/Dorky Angel Apollo. He’s got his white shorts and lobster shirt on and he is ready for Paradise, FINALLY, GOD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING HIM I HATE YOU. Tara has already fallen in love with an idiot and I think it’s too late to save her! In another moment of deep delusion, Apollo thinks he is remembered for an awkward date moment, and not when he was shirtless and dressed up as an actual literal god.

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Apollo is determined not to hold back this time! He’s going to find his lady! In fact, he’s going to come in to Paradise and ‘hopefully make some magic happen’, and then laughs at his own joke like the huge dork he is. Oooh…and he’s walking in with a date card. No-one has ever been more excited than every man on this island – Luke leaps out of the pool and picks him up (hooooow?). The girls are apparently ‘frothing’ – Megan tells us the girls have been talking about him non-stop since they got there. Michael encourages Leah and Simone to pounce. Apparently Elora has been telling everyone he’s the entire reason she’s there.

The horrifically awkward date of Eden and Elora continues. She’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to have to sit and talk with him because she doesn’t want to discuss feelings, which same. He asks her why she’s on the date with him, and answers that she doesn’t know him. What is she looking for? She’s looking for a spark – it could be a slow burn, and he completely talks over her. He then thanks her for coming on the date with him and the hug, with her giving him a kiss on the cheek. ‘Ahh the cheek’ he exclaims out loud, like a fucking predatory. Oh my god someone please release Elora. The girls have the roses this week you fucking idiot, stop acting like a weirdo creep and someone might keep you in out of pity at least. He realises he’s not getting a kiss and for some reason starts…what he thinks is a food fight which is just him shoving food at her with crazy eyes while she protests. What is wrong with this man.

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Apollo is getting the hot goss with Jarrod and Luke about who’s single and Luke casually drops in to conversation to Elora is…very…keen to meet him, when Tara and Sam come screeching in. Apparently Tara and Apollo are already good friends (they are both Gold Coast folks), which isn’t annoying to me on some level at all. Pah. Turns out Apollo has been way too scared to approach the girls yet, even though he’s here clutching a date card. Sam volunteers with matchmaking, even though his previous efforts have mostly been terrible. Keira turns up, and Jarrod mutters that Apollo ‘is 24, he’s just a kid’. Maybe, but he is the most respectful dude we have seen grace our series in this entire franchise. Keira would run roughshod over him, but he’s not too immature for her. He’s just a good person.

And it’s taken me and hour and a half to recap 22 minutes of show, so I might just drop some detail level here because I’m not getting this out before tonight’s episode otherwise. God I hate TenPlay so much. The simple process of pausing and resuming can take an eon.

Keira and Apollo chat. She would be happy to ‘kiss him…just for Australia’ but there’s no chemistry here, she thinks he’s too young. His body sure is ‘rigged’ according to Keira, a previously non-existent term I think I will adopt.

Exhaustingly, Jarrod tells Keira he is back on her. How is this possible. Why is this possible. Just pash you fucking idiots.

Apollo takes Simone off for a chat and Leah threatens Elora’s head exploding. Apollo and Simone have a little giggle together, including about Simone adorning Matty J’s penis with a sticker. He says she has a ‘beautiful childlike nature’ which is a bit off, but she’s not put off from him calling her ‘Penis Sticker Girl’. He gives her the date card. Hilariously, Tara and Sam who constantly boast on their Instagrams at their special drama-avoiding abilities, are here champing at the bit for Elora return and everything to kick off.

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She does, and Ali lets her know the situation. Apparently Simone and Elora had discussed her lust for Apollo even before the show. Elora instructs Simone not to feel bad but then seems to get mad that Simone mentioned Elora was interested in him – of course, Luke was way ahead of her on this one.

Jake, Michael and Eden are off chatting, and Michael tells Eden that he stinks. Truer words were never spoken. Eden is struggling because Apollo is a beautiful angel and he can’t even deny it. Speaking of, Elora still feels like he’s fair game so she’s going for it. Surprise surprise, Simone gets her nose out of joint at the mere act of Elora taking him for a chat. Ali ‘can’t believe she doesn’t have her friend’s back’, which, okay, but Simone doesn’t really have a leg to stand on by saying all other bitches ain’t loyal to their friends. Maybe just chill out and see how your date goes mate, because right now you’re trying to piss your mark on him on the basis of a five-minute conversation and a date card.

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Michael: ‘I can see that blowing up’ Megan: ‘I hope so’. Good god, everyone’s desperate for drama that does not involve them. Megan accurately assesses that does not ‘seem like an arsehole’ (and therefore may not be a great match for Simone who gets a bit fiery). Elora and Simone go off for a chat and Elora asks Simone not to mention her, as it might kill her chances if he thinks she’s all over him. Chat to Luke, mate. And also, in future, maybe don’t tell everyone literally how hard you’re gagging for someone.

Jarrod takes Keira for a mini-date. I don’t care. Grow the fuck up. I will note that he describes her as his ‘purpose in life’.

Elora makes the bizarre choice to complain to Eden about Simone going out with Apollo and feeling unwanted. This is….not the person to complain to about this?

It’s another crappy weather date (what an ad for Fiji this show is) for Apollo and Simone, but that doesn’t stop her from suggesting he takes his top off so she can sunscreen him up. Relatable. Their date is some sort of challenge borrowed from Survivors, collecting bottles from balloons/buoys. She capsizes them and Apollo her tosses her back in like she is a small child, as everyone is to him, because he’s a fucking unit. She keeps capsizing (maybe on purpose at this point) but this is becoming a bit of a theme for her dates.

Elora wants everyone to know she is butthurt, and they are all sick of her. Keira wishes Apollo could make them both disappear and then laughs heartily at her own joke. Meanwhile, post-date, Apollo and Simone are chatting over a wine. ‘Apollo makes me feel like a child again’ – god, this is a weird ongoing theme. Is it just the size? Or is she just really immature? The things in the bottle are questions for them to ask each other. Apollo says he ‘is just looking for someone to create a story with’, which is a bit cute. Simone expresses to Apollo that she’s worried Elora will give him her rose and she won’t get to give one to him, a valid fear on this show but probably not one to mention to him…

I’m still angry at Sam so I do not want to devote time (thanks to TenPlay being so buggy it is now less than half an hour to Monday’s episode) on his romantic gesture to build (‘with some help’) a little shack thingy for Tara. I suppose we’ve all got to find something to fill the sober hours. She’s delighted, blind as she is to Apollo’s vastly superior charms.

(Can you imagine Apollo making an ‘I have needs!’ speech?)

Unfortunately, she tells us she’s falling in love with Sam.

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Apollo and Simone return from their date and Elora has never been more excited to see two people not holding hands. Everyone demands to know whether they’d kissed (‘no), and then drags Simone off for a chat, but she’s feeling defensive. Elora says ‘can you promise me you didn’t bring my name up in conversation?’, which we know she did. Simone tries to shrug it off.

The guys want to know if he’s attracted to her, which he is, but he’d like more time. Jarrod wants to know if he wants to get know other girls, ‘or Elora’, and honestly, Simone is not the villain here in the ‘bringing Elora up constantly’ field. In the girls chat, Simone and Elora both state that they would like to give Apollo their rose, which is extremely awkward. Elora and Simone go off for a chat and Jarrod makes everyone pay attention to it. Simone doesn’t know how they can be friends if they’re both interested in the same guy.

There’s mention of Simone and Elora’s ‘bad history’ which has made its way through the Bachelor grapevine. The rumour is that in the outside world, Elora had hit on a guy that Simone was interested in at an event. It turns out (it was kind of whispered in passed) this was awful Courtney from Georgia Love’s season. Elora thinks that Simone is the origin of this rumour. Time for another insufferable argument on this show. If Simone told people this story, then her then crying about having her personal life brought in was ridiculous. If she didn’t, then it’s tacky of Elora. Either way it doesn’t reflect well on either of them. Begone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bachelor In Paradise Australia: Episode 8

 

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Very tempted to leave the recap there but I guess if you’re here, you want to know what happened.

And to be fair, it was quite dramatic, although still a complete indictment on the editing of this show that we were not deeply invested in the things that came crashing down to earth.

Laurina’s departure is briefly covered – apparently she left without saying goodbye. The girls note that this means if the numbers stay as is, this means only one girl will leave at the rose ceremony. Although they’re a bit unsure of who Jarros and Michael will give their roses too, Keira already seems like a likely candidate for departure, what with screaming the entire island down the night before and everyone’s eagerness to be rid of Jarrod/Keira drama. In fact, Megan says that ‘Keira is the reason I hate dating girls…I hate drama, I just don’t have any time for it’. Hmm.

But no-one is quite willing to let it go yet. Keira decides to pull Jarrod aside for a chat, to once again lie and say she wants him to pursue other people. I have never wanted to murder two people more as they sit there trying to score points over their various Ali-and-Daniel-shaped flirtations. Neither of them are particularly likeable and I sincerely wish this show would just let them both go, Elsa-style.

Tara walks in with a date cards and we are reminded that poor old Simone never, ever got to go on a date with Matty J, which meant her uterus was protected, at least. Well, someone out there likes her (or do they?), because her time has finally come. She is thoroughly ribbed (Leah telling her ‘You keep looking at him, just ask him!’) prior to asking Jarrod to join her on the date. Jarrod’s joy could not be more clearly about getting one up on Keira: ‘Jarrod: happy, Keira: not so happy right now, so Jarrod winning right now’.

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Keira is completely convinced he will get his heart broken. I don’t think there’s a situation where Jarrod doesn’t get his heart broken, given his insistence on putting women on pedestals and also pursuing you, Keira. But YMMV.

Simone tells us that Jarrod is not her usual type – the guys she goes for usually eventually lose interest in her, and if nothing else….she knows Jarrod’s interested in her. Meanwhile Jarrod’s over here telling us that the more he leaves Keira, the more she comes back. Not that he’s thinking about Keira on a date with another girl, of course. Never.

In a date that was surely thought up using some sort of mad libs system, Simone and Jarrod are going to be doing yoga on stand-up paddle boards. Jarrod decides to give her a piggyback to the boards, and…look, I can’t improve Simone’s words, but you really must imagine her Northern accent too: ‘The bloody idiot just drops me like a fat whale’. Fortunately, she’s the kinda girl that gets a laugh out of it. The ‘yoga’ is a bit weird, and I have some serious doubts about the qualifications of the instructor, as it mostly just involves them miming oral sex. I kinda hope that this woman just wandered in off the street and production assumed she was their gal. Anyway, Jarrod describes it as ‘erotic and sexual’, and all over Australia vaginas did this:

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Simone has a much better word for it: ‘confronting’

Keira and Michael are off having a chat. She is moaning ‘Why doesn’t anyone like me?’ to which he very aptly responds ‘JARROD LIKES YOU’ and is very restrained in not flipping a table and marching away. Truth is, this chat is not for once not actually about Keira. It’s about Michael, and how sad he is that so far he hasn’t given a rose to anyone he really likes. I feel like that’s a bit inevitable on a show when your options number around 8 at any given time. If you put me in a room with eight people the chances of me really liking one of them is pretty fucking low. But I suppose our Michael is much more open to love than me, which is why he keeps going on reality dating shows and I have deleted all my apps.

The crux of this is that Michael is keen for Lisa and wants to get to know her.

Meanwhile, two simultaneous FORESHADOWING chats are happening. In one, Nina is telling Grant how much she misses Daniel and is disappointed he’s not here. Remember him? Canadian sex pest? Three women had to unite to get rid of his dirty arse? She’s apparently keen to contact him when she leaves. I don’t know why. I will never comprehend. In another corner, Eden is chatting to Elora. He tells us he’s attracted to her, with her exotic looks and curves (horrifyingly referred to as a ‘bit of meat’, which is really quite a disgusting way to describe a woman, thanks). I’d argue that Nina has both those things but I guess we can’t control who we’re attracted to.

Simone and Jarrod are chatting now they have escaped their instructor’s perverted fantasies. Simone is really happy to see Jarrod relaxed, and given how fucking intense this dude is, word. They talk about how comfortable and easy it all is while his hand ever-so-casually rests on her leg, but eventually it becomes clear he’s a bit nervous, which she pays him out for. Why?
Jarrod: ‘Because…I would like to kiss you’
Simone: ‘Then kiss me then!’
They do. There’s a flower behind Jarrod’s ear for this entire conversation, for some inexplicable reason. Jarrod says it was ‘complete distraction’ and he wasn’t worried about Keira at all, which sounds like something someone who wasn’t worried about Keira at all would say.

Osher comes in to announce the rose ceremony, which prompts a ‘What else could go wrong at this point?’ from Keira. Oh honey. So many things.

Simone and Jarrod return for the cocktail party and Megan observes his grin approximately as wide as Australia: ‘He is keen, keen, keen’. Thank you Megan, this is why we call him The Keenest Bean Who Ever Lived. Everyone sort of hits the panic button when Keira turns up at the cocktail party, with Tara telling us she’s scared because she doesn’t want to have to hide again. Michael observes that Keira is ‘wearing everything’ demonstrably untrue when it’s a miniskirt topped by transparent gauze, but she has indeed dolled herself up. Everyone is just wishing they’d get it over with.

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Keira is realising she needs a miracle to get a rose, so goes off the pursue Michael, while Jarrod snarkily comments ‘It begins…’ in the background.  Keira sneakily hints she wants his rose and he gets in to a full rant about how this ‘isn’t Survivor’ and blah blah blah connection. He doesn’t want to give away his plan but indicates that ‘If no-one was in a relationship, I would give it to Lisa’. Keira vehemently warns him off giving her his rose, probably the only sane thing she’s done in several episodes, but come on. We’ve all seen the promos for this episode.

Lisa and Luke are finally given some air time for their death knell because this show hates us. They’re bantering over his rose and she tells us she is’100% invested’ and wants to see where it goes. For some reason that can SERIOUSLY, ONLY be producer shenanigans, Megan decides to drop in to their convo to ask them what would happen if someone else they were interested came in. Luke’s response is wholly innocuous, indicating that they owe it to everyone who walks in the door to get to know them, and if there was an attraction he’d talk to Lisa. This seems…super insane to me, but to Lisa this is interpreted as bitch ain’t loyal. After dropping that bomb, Megan just walks away, and presumably someone in production slips her a $50 or arranges for her to get the next date card. Lisa suddenly wants to know where Luke ‘is at’ and thank you masculinity for teaching this dude to slip right back in to his shell at the vaguest hint of confrontation and forget to use his words. He just responds with ‘You know where I’m at’. Not good enough. It’s enough to drive Lisa away, but Luke is still under the impression that this is a misunderstanding and he will give Lisa his rose.

Michael, like any opportunist, takes a primed Lisa away for a chat. She eventually draws out of him that he is in to her, and indicates that things may have been different if he’d been a bit more forward earlier in the piece, and she feels a strong connection with both Luke and Michael (despite the fact that this is possibly the first conversation we have ever seen between Lisa and Michael). She doesn’t discourage him re: the rose ceremony, however, with a: ‘If you know what you want, just go for it’. The depart with a secret handshake, something we have never seen them practice because this show hates us. Michael tells us ‘I think we’re going to wake up to a very different Paradise tomorrow morning’ so golly, who can guess what he’s planning to do?

Eden’s talking to Grant, who apparently deeply cares about the happiness of every man in paradise but could not give a fuck about the women, leaving hem free to be harrassed by Sex Pest Daniel. Grant thinks Eden and Nina’s relationship is not even on both sides, and indeed, Eden is frustrated by the lack of intimacy. At Grant’s urging, Eden takes Nina off for ‘the talk’.

He indicates that he is getting frustrated re: intimacy and is finding it hard, which, I’m sure.

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He wants to know where she’s at. And I must say, while I am extremely frustrated with Nina for having even a vague attraction or affection towards Sex Pest Daniel, she proceeds with some of the most stunning boundary-setting that I have seen on network television. She’s told Eden since the start that she wasn’t planning on kissing anyone until the end, and that is not going to change. She’s made it really clear, and she doesn’t want to feel pressured to do something she doesn’t want to do. Eden is off muttering about how he ‘has needs, and it’s true, Maslow addressed this directly:

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But really honey, you don’t. I know you really want to kiss this girl but it’s going to be all of three weeks or so. Pretend you have glandular fever. Walk the dog five times a day. Do not make it her problem. I have spent many years not pashing people I’m attracted to and I live to write this recap. And yet, he has the gall to accuse her of being self-centred.

I honestly don’t know how they end up hugging this out, but it’s tense as fuck and made me really dislike Eden.

Rose ceremony time!

Eden’s up first and gives the kind of speech that I wish an orchestra would interrupt about blah blah openness and honesty and blah blah hardest rose ever. Net result: choosing Elora, who he does not even make eye contact with. Nina is surprised to say the least: ‘What the hell just happened?’

Grant chooses Ali

Sam chooses Tara

Jakes chooses Megan

Jared chooses Leah (with the least enthusiasm I have ever seen from two people)

Jarrod chooses…..Simone! Must feel good to be Blonde of the Week.

Michael is definitely convinced this is the Oscars and he needs to give a nice long speech. There’s a lot of callouts to the idea of selling out, and being aware of the repercussions of his actions. Anyway. He chooses Lisa while heads explode all over the rose ceremony, and she steps forward to accept with what one might call a small triumphant smile?

Sam opines that the bro code has been DECIMATED, while Tara lets out a slightly more subtle ‘that’s hectic, man’. Michael breaks down in tears and sobs to Jarrod about ‘dogging his mate’, and dude if you actually felt bad about it you wouldn’t have done it, so just own your fucking decisions to choose someone else’s girlfriend and wear white capris while doing it.

Luke is stressing out because Lisa won’t even look at him while this is happening. But he does throw her a wink when he steps up to the podium. He announces to the room that everyone deserves a second chance, and for this reason, he’s choosing….Keira.

I have absolutely no idea what Keira has done to deserve that second chance over
Keira, and one must assume that the producers didn’t want to give up the juicy Keira/Jarrod drama. Meanwhile Keira’s crying and hugging him, Luke is getting teary and Lisa’s over there having a little cry too.

How did the rose ceremony where Blake just got Laurina’s name wrong get the prize for the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

We have time for one last bout of pettiness, as Eden approaches Nina to say goodbye and she spits at him:’I have nothing to say to you’. On her exit she says she’s been nothing but open and honest and has been clear about her values, and leaves with a slamming indictment of Eden: ‘If you’re not gonna put out, he’s sending you home’

I will say that you need to see Wednesday night’s After Paradise for Eden and Nina’s reunion, which is one of the most awkward things ever put before my eyeballs.

This Sunday: APOLLO IS COMING. And I won’t be home to watch. I could bloody weep.

Bachelor in Paradise Australia: Episode 7

I want to start this recap with a little statement.

Mostly, that the people I write about in this recap are essentially characters, brought to life by producers and editors. I try to use people’s own words as much as possible, lest it all becomes my own interpretation, but I know that their narratives are created by those making the show. It means my perception is limited by what they choose to screen. I know I can get super-judgey, but it is intended against the ‘characters’ and the story the show is telling about them, and not the people. ‘The Edited Version of X Which We Are Being Shown’ is just a lot longer to type than ‘x’.

I say this, mostly because on Twitter I was judging Laurina’s behaviour at the end of this episode as ‘bratty’. The context that both the people on the show and to some extent production, certainly at the time and possibly right up until after the show last night, that was missing was that Laurina’s brother died a month before production. It casts her behaviour in a different light.

In addition, whilst I’m going to have a rant about Keira in any case, a conversation between Jarrod and Grant, and a subsequent conversation between Keira and Grant, seems to have been so heavily edited in such a way that it again robs people of vital context – including exactly what it was that Grant apparently quoted Keira as saying, e.g that Keira thinks Jarrod is a terrible kisser (a theory that I actually think is quite likely). Apart from ignoring actual relationships in favour of drama, the editing is not bringing any clarity of circumstance to viewers.

With all that said, this is the story of Paradise we were told last night…

Eden is celebrating the current post-ceremony cruisy vibes, and tells us that the good news is, ‘the men have the power’. This has never been good news in the entirety of human civilisation, Eden.

The show starts telling the story of The Magical Disappearing Laurina, aka She’s Having A Nice Holiday And We Are Not Happy About It. I think to some extent the show is trying to draw parallels with Brett, who was very much here to have a chill in Fiji with his girlfriend. Once again, context, she was grieving and needed time out and a gentle reminder that dealing with Blake would be an excellent cause to go off men permanently. Jared would like to get to know but can’t seem to actually find her. She’s probably not interested then, mate.

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There is so much more Jarrod and Keira nonsense in this episode than anyone could ever want or need. And I think I deeply just need to accept the editing shenanigans here, but the long story as short as possible seems to be that she gave him a rose not because she wants him for herself, but that she wants him to find love. She has told him this, and he feels ready to ‘mingle’ on that account. But every time he makes an effort to actually mingle, Keira gets annoyed and jealous. There is some serious wanting her cake and eating it too vibes. It’s annoying and hypocritical and I just want them to sort themselves the fuck out, preferably with at least one of them going home.

The girls are having a chat and Tara asks Leah if she’s been making good choices. No she has not…’Have you pashed and someone’s dashed again?’. Oh dear, Leah really is a little bit unlucky. Not that I think she’s a particularly kind and lovely person, but apparently she tried to pash Michael after a few wines post rose ceremony and he wasn’t having it. And indeed, Michael is here to tell us he feels no romantic connection to anybody and he’s just waiting for his girl to walk in.

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Which brings us to Elora! I wasn’t really a fan of Elora on Matty’s season, but I am kind of excited on Megan’s account. Elora is currently our only option for saving her from the clutches of Jake….according to the promos, at least. Elora comes in with a date card and Tara tells her she has to ‘go on chatty-chats with the boys’, determined that they not tell her off the bat who’s in relationships….mostly to give Sam the chance to decline her. Elora first approaches Luke (who tells her he’s solid with Lisa), and Jake, who lets her know he’s close to Megan and wishes her luck on her future dating endeavours. Elora then approaches Megan and the entire island flips shit at the idea that Elora might be asking her out
Keira: ‘Taking a girl on a date???’
Elora: ‘Maybe….’

Jarrod: ‘I hope that’s what I think it is’.
Settle down, perve.
All the fuss was enough for me to know she wasn’t going to. Megan is a bit further behind, getting her hopes up, but Elora is just getting permission to approach Jake again. Elora made fun of his ‘sexy squint’, so I’m not sure why she’s pursuing this one so hard. Laurina tells Jake: ‘Megan’s face doesn’t look impressed, but that’s just her usual face…’ Well if people would stop being so deeply unimpressive…

So Elora pulls Jake aside, and tells him to really only go for it if he’s open to meeting new people, but yep she would really like to take him on this date. He is flattered and thinks it would be fun, but ultimately lets her down. When he returns, Megan is pleased. She thinking it’s a big turning point in their relationship, and hopefully it’s the turning point where she dumps him because a better option is there. Hey, one can hope.

Elora sets off the flames on the side of Leah’s face by eventually approaching Michael, who she will go on the date with. Leah thinks Michael can’t even see what’s standing in front of him! Okay, Leah, he has seen you. He’s not in to it. I thought he wasn’t rugged enough for you, anyway?

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Elora and Michael are off to do some glass blowing! I thought Michael was just being a ridiculous person when he referred to is as kinky and sensual, and then I heard the instructor telling him ‘Blow blow blow, go for it, harder ….and stop’ and I maybe changed my mind. The show plays some very subtle saxophone music over this entire scene.

Leah is ‘exhausted from chasing Michael around….next, moving on’ and Nina points out that she is pretty low on options, at this point. Guess who’s completely unloved by the Aussie girls, though? Thunderbirds are go! Leah wants us to know that she finds him ‘genuine and lovely’, which arguably means he is a terrible match for Leah.

Oh god, it’s back to Jarrod and Keira. Jarrod is creepily noting Keira’s nude-coloured top when in walks Simone. Simone got caught up in the Great Matty-J Slut-Shaming Scandal with Leah, a fucking low point for this entire series. She’s blonde, if you recall, which means she has Jarrod’s immediate attention, describing her as ‘a blonde bombshell in a  little red number’. He mentions to Keira that Simone reminds him of his ex-girlfriend, and yeah…you could probably say the guy has a type, right?

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It’s like a peroxide-heavy game of spot-the-difference.

Keira is happy to rant about how it would be ‘downgrading’, but she clearly feels threatened knowing the guys have the roses this week

Leah has a chat with Simone and starts selling Jarrod: ‘He’s so, so funny’ (is he???). Simone had presumed he was with Keira, which Leah shoots down. This chat has lasted approximately five seconds when Jarrod The Keen Bean screams across the courtyard: ‘Leah, are you going to share Simone around or are you going to keep her all day?’. Settle down petal. Funnily enough, this buys him some time with Simone, which she mostly spends laughing nervously and experiencing genuine confusion about the term ‘vineyard’. Jarrod’s feeling like a prince what with his vast knowledge of that place wot where grapes are grown. He tries to explain the thing with Keira, which Simone describes summarily: an absolute mess.

Just to really rub this in, Keira is off questioning how genuine Jarrod’s feelings were in the first place, because he’s off talking to Simone. This is what you wanted him to do.

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Michael and Elora sit down to have a very dull conversation that mostly serves to remind me how pretentious she is. ‘I do much more things than other people’ she says, and she’s really easygoing. She boasts about her wanderlust some more. I just find it so hard to believe that someone who’s so self-consciously easygoing actually is easygoing. Accurately, Michael isn’t really feeling the chemistry, because there is none, but he would like to hang out some more. When he returns, he greets Ali, Grant, Luke and Lisa with a ‘What’s up, couples retreat’ and lets them know that she’s a ‘top bird’ but not for him.

Leah aggressively does not care because she’s over here talking to Jared, thanks. She tells him that he seems to be there find love and he says ‘he’s here for the experience and to hopefully form a connection’, which I think we can all agree is a very different thing
Leah: ‘I think you and I connect’
Jared: ‘Yeah….yeah’
Leah: ‘You’re cool, this could be fun’
Tell Ali to call off the search, I’ve found her sparks.

There’s a bit more negging of Laurina’s solo time here that I don’t care to recap, although it does feature an amazing dance routine from Tara, Keira and Laurina.

Now it’s time for the ridiculously heavily-edited conversation between Grant, Ali, and Jarrod (with Jared hanging off the side, presumably to escape his overwhelming chemistry with Leah)
Grants asks who Jarrod will give his rose to, and Jarrod feels like Keira is already jumping down his throat for talking to Simone. Grant decides to give it to him ‘straight’: ‘as sweet as she is, she’s wishy-washy. She doesn’t know what she wants…don’t string someone along just because you wanna stay here, you know?’, the most gentle straight-talking I’ve ever seen. Jarrod seems blinded by his honesty, and has maybe finally acknowledged he is being taken advantage of, which he probably is.

Keira is watching this happening and getting antsy. She says she is in Grant’s ‘bad books’ which is why she wants to know what is happening. If you check the link near the start Keira has essentially said that after the last rose ceremony, Grant cornered her and abused her for sending Daniel home, which is a very bad look for Grant, because Grant was a fucking sex pest (and it turns out the girls basically agreed to send him home on account of sex-pestiness). In addition, apparently he passed on a comment that Keira thinks Jarrod is a bad kisser. So while she’s being paranoid, perhaps there’s reason for it. She pulls Jarrod aside, and he won’t tell her what they were discussing. Keira is determined to get to the bottom of it, and wheedles him. He quite reasonably says he’ll discuss it when he’s ready to talk about it, and he wants to sleep on it. She is very drunk, and tells him she doesn’t need to know what was said, just what it was about. Yeah, alright.
In any case, she decides:
‘I need to go talk to someone’
Jarrod: ‘Don’t talk to them about it’
Keira: ‘I will’
Cue the deepest sigh ever.

She very obnoxiously grabs Ali and Grant, and their whole conversation is a mess, much as she is. We’re never actually allowed to know for sure what it is that Grant said he was essentially quoting Keira on (we now have her word for it), but her main point of offense seems to be less about Grant warning Jarrod off Keira, than Grant assuming he can speak for her and her thoughts. Then again, ‘You think he’s a safe bet. And you feel like he’s Mr Right, but I don’t know if you want Mr Right. You might be in between Mr Right and Mr Right Now’ does not seem particularly flattering.

Keira goes on a drunken rampage, screaming at him and threatening to throw her drink at him. That one’s not editing, love. She tells us ‘When I feel slightened or hurt, it just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m very reactive’. She’s very good at mangling the English language, our Keira.

Probably the worst part is Jarrod’s weird, patronising reaction where he accuses her of ‘chucking a tanty’ but finding this cute and adorable rather than a sign of someone whose drinks should probably be watered down. Anyway. He’s still hanging on that thread, it seems.

We’re now on Laurina chilling out with her under-eye mask when Megan runs in with a date card. I should emphasise it is dark and at the very least, Keira is drunk so it’s probably not very early. Megan screams that Laurina has the date card, and has ten minutes to get ready. ‘Nah, I’m not going’. Look, you can see here that without the knowledge of what’s going on with her, forcing her to spend some time with someone is not a bad idea from production because it looks suspiciously like she’s using the show for a holiday, but it is the date equivalent of a ‘u up’ text at 1am when you’re in your jammies. Sam’s reaction that this ‘is a dating show, not a sleeping show’ seemed okay in context, and he really didn’t know, but an apology probably wouldn’t go astray now (nor would it go astray to comparing her to a 300-year-old demon, either). No-one comes off particularly well from the ensuing scenes – production seems insensitive, the others seems a little mean, and Laurina comes off as a bit disingenuous with her excuses – when the context is added in.

In the end, Laurina gets weepy and accuses production of being disrespectful, before deciding to leave. I think everyone can agree it’s for the best. Apparently she’s in love now, and I bet he doesn’t even where stupid braids in his hair.

 

 

 

Bachelor in Paradise Australia: Episode 6

In episode 6, nothing makes any sense, can someone please edit this show properly, oh god I’m exhausted release me from this nonsense.

Mostly I’m exhausted by Jarrod, because he is a dude with a lot of emotions, and they are all insufferable. He thinks that Grant and Daniel are ‘taking all the women’ which is clearly not a situation happening against the ladies’ will so maybe you should just chill out, dude. Keira is off massaging Daniel very much voluntarily, so maybe it’s just time to get a lock down on your emotions. Megan enters get-a-grip friend mode and reminds Jarrod that actually, everybody is talking to everybody. Daniel is of course gross so when Keira asks if he’s attracted to her, he responds with ‘I’d have sex with you right now’ and a great gagging is heard throughout the land.

Jake thinks another ‘sausage’ is due to arrive, and here is Jared Haiborn, another US Bachie veteran who has apparently been very hot property in the American iterations. Not sure I get it, as I can’t unsee this:

I’m sure he’s very nice but he doesn’t seem to be a hit with the ladies when he goes around for a chat. Megan describes their talk as ‘average’ and Ali thinks he is ‘seems gentle and caring and beautiful’ (which seems like a lot from a brief chat) but did not feel her elusive ‘spark’ (I gotta say, as someone with the surname Sparkes, Ali’s mission to find me is slightly odd to watch).

Sam quizzes Ali on whether Jared ‘made her mountains crumble’ which is an interesting turn of phrase, and she very subtly indicates that no, she is in to someone else. Who in the world can it be? Turns out it is Grant – who last episode went on a date with Leah that definitely made her mountains crumble – and there is some very aggressive setting up of this from the group they are sitting with. I think everyone wants both Ali and Grant otherwise occupied. They go off for a chat and it turns out Grant had assumed she meant him. HOW? They have literally never spoken before. Their entire relationship, which seems to move at the speed of light after this, is a complete failure of editing on behalf of Channel Ten, because they were so hyper-focused on a non-existent love triangle that Ali was in BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T EVEN FANCY ANY OF THEM.

This show hates romance.

Apparently he and Leah are looking for different things relationship-wise, with the implication that Leah is less serious than him. I’ll remind you that it was Leah who asked the one practical question of ‘hey how the fuck would this work with you in America’, and he who brushed it off. Leah is also grossly unaware that Grant feels this way, and will make her feelings extremely known about him just picking up with Ali without even trying to chat with her first. Leah doesn’t seem to have the greatest relationship with other women, so of course it is first Ali that cops her ire, telling us  ‘everything about her is big’. I disagree. Sure, she’s got big tits, big eyes and big lips, but her personality seems absolutely minimal.

Back to poor old Jared, and for some completely unfathomable reason, he decides to use his date card on Megan. She’s taken aback, and tries desperately to squirm out of it, pulling him aside for a chat while telling us the awkwardness is somewhere around a ‘9.9999 out of ten’. Approximately. Apparently Jared does not understand the old polite rebuff, where she says she was surprised that he asked her on account of the fact that she didn’t really feel like they had instant chemistry, and she would hate to get in the way if he was attracted to anyone else….Anyone? Bueller?

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Somehow he wears her down with the power of aggressive blandness. All she wants to do is stay on the island with her mojito and be a get-a-grip friend to the literal dozens of people who need one right now, and here’s this powerfully-jawed American come to take her away. Jared does get the point though, and whinges to Grant that he wants to go home. How about talking to…any other girl?

Blake states that Megan is out of Jared’s league. Megan is indeed a sensible hottie with no interest in Jared, but it is intriguing that this statement is coming from Blake, who currently has no romantic connections on the island after getting the name wrong of the only woman who would give him the time of day, oh, and assaulted a guy.

Poor old Jared and Megan are now stuck on a boat for the most awkward date ever, which she is using as an ill-advised test of her relationship with Jake, to see if she can connect with someone else. Honey. We have already established that this is not going to happen with this particular Thunderbird. He makes movie references and it almost seems like an elaborate lie to get him to stop talking when she tells him that grew up in a super religious household and wasn’t allowed to watch movies or TV shows, so has seen very few movies (it’s actually true). Just keep referring to the Chrissy gif for the general vibes of the whole encounter. When they return from their date Megan indicates that it was ‘probably…as expected’ and that ‘He’s up for grabs, ladies’.

Jarrod does an astounding number in hypocrisy this week, ranting and raving over and over again about how he doesn’t like being second-best in Keira’s heart. Despite, of course, throwing over Keira to pursue Ali and making sure she knew she was his second choice at the first rose ceremony. I cannot emphasis how much he has earned every little bit of this insecurity, but I must hasten to add – Keira does not help this at all. She doesn’t get a get-out-of-jail free card. However, she is not a total manbaby about it.

Nina talks to Ali about how she is feeling torn between Eden and Daniel, something I have never been more confused about in my life. I had Nina pegged as so sensible, and Daniel literally could not be more of a fuckboy, growling about how he wants to take her dress off while in the middle of doing the rounds of flirting with every girl on the island. Ali is as surprised as the rest of us to find out that Nina and Eden have not even kissed, so at this stage they are really formally Just Friends. Jarrod has a whinge to Nina about wanting to throw in the towel over Keira and Daniel’s flirting, which Nina relays to Daniel. Daniel – in probably the only time I can empathise with him on any level – doesn’t give a fuck. Nina is utterly torn about the whole thing, and is worried about getting hurt. I can think of one guaranteed way to get hurt and its name starts with Daniel. She’s there crying while he tells us: ‘They call me Gepetto because I make women my puppets’.

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Keira takes Jarrod for a chat, and when he describes himself as struggling she tells him ‘I know how you feel, I’ve been there’. His amnesia about the Ali situation is genuinely so frustrating. When she tells him that she is genuinely interested in Daniel, he goes off, insisting that he should have been told this earlier. A reminder is issued that this time she’s been spending with Daniel has actually been her deciding that. Keira is not a fan of the idea that this is solely Jarrod’s decision to make. Turns out he has no time for all this: ‘I don’t have time to stuff around – I have a vineyard to run… I have a busy life’. Spoiler alert: he has SO much more time for stuffing around this episode.

Grant takes Ali off for a mini-date, and Eden accurately assesses that they are ‘they’re zero-to-one-hundred’, so maybe it’s not all just bad editing. They appear to have a requisite five minute conversation about the spark, before Ali is reading to get her pash on. Well, that’s your one frog. Hope you’re happy together. Leah’s head meanwhile is exploding, as Mack is thoroughly enjoying it all. Leah thinks they’re both ‘a bit mentally twisted’, and that the Americans are ruining her experience, with a special shout-out to Daniel’s manipulations. It is clear that every single person that is not being manipulated by him can blatantly see what is going on.

Keira has momentarily flipped back to Jarrod and indicates to him that she thinks she was running away from something genuine. He inexplicable compares her to Madonna, I’d be more tempted to compare her to heroin but okay. Daniel sees them go off together so decides to try his luck with Laurina, who doesn’t mind because she enjoys a good flirt. Keira and Jarrod are off in a A Second Location where she is opining how much she knows that he has her back, and that she trusts his intentions – which at the very least he could not make any more clear. Eventually she tells his ‘You can have a kiss now. On your lips’ and I can only think that this weird pash negotiation happening is because of the consent issues with production.

Leah and Michael have a bit of a chat – Michael fears that she is more interested in him than he is her, but she’s not exactly out here making heart eyes at him. I’m not too concerned about another love triangle there.

Keira has returned to the group and realised her kiss should have been with Daniel, a pretty damning indictment of Jarrod’s kissing ability. Tara gently tries to indicate that while Keira is enjoying the power now, she may not want to give Daniel her rose and give him that power next time. Meanwhile Jarrod is off talking to the guys and staring at her moonily at Keira, while they try in vain to get him to chill the fuck out, as Daniel will reveal his shittiness. Michael delivers some of the greatest words of wisdom ever heard on television: ‘You can build a body in the gym, but you can’t build a heart’

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For some inexplicable reason, Keira thinks it’s a great idea to sneak in to Daniel’s hut and have a pash with him. Honestly, she cannot justify it. ‘It’s hard to resist! What’s a girl to do? I don’t want to disrespect Jarrod, but you just gotta go for it’. It should be really easy to resist, because Daniel is so clearly a goddamn sex pest.

So….she goes and dumps Jarrod. He is confused AND SO AM I. When all your choices are bad just go and make new choices, Keira. Stop flim-flamming between these two garbage men. She mentions that he is gentlemanly when he like, picks something up for her, and he spits out ‘I’m gonna use that gentleman-like-ness on another girl’. Okay. We all know you’re not, because no-one wants a giant manbaby. He also tells the others that he doesn’t want to approach another girl because they’ll think he’s just trying to get a rose, which would be clearly true but is at least semi-reasonable.

Unsurprisingly Leah mentions that Jarrod’s ‘red-ometer goes right off’ when she casually drops in conversation that Daniel and Keira kissed, and it’s true, he is a human tomato. Vastly awkwardly, this happens right when Keira is standing behind him. Sam asks her directly ‘Have you kissed Daniel yet?’ and she responds with a grin, a sip of a drink and ‘No’. Which is quite clearly a yes. A stunning display of maturity, she then chooses to go off at Sam for asking it in front of Jarrod rather than maybe blaming herself for her terrible decisions. She doesn’t want to hurt Jarrod, you see. I know Jarrod is a terrible manchild but a way to avoid this would be to not make really bad decisions that will definitely hurt him.

Thank god, Osher is here. We just need to get through a cocktail party and then we can have our precious rose ceremony.

Keira is discussing her rose decision with Laurina and Nina. Laurina says she would like to give her rose to Daniel, but he’s a free agent and they all acknowledge that they’re interested. Keira would like to give him a clear indication she’s interested in rose form, which Laurina shoots down with a ‘You’ve gone up and kissed him on the lips, I think he knows you’re interested’ .

In the only snippet of Luke and Lisa we see all episode/season basically, she pays him out for wearing a rose print shirt to the cocktail party: ‘You think you’re gonna get a rose?’. IT’S CUTE AND I WANT MORE OF THEM.

Daniel creepily asks Keira if he makes her moist, and a ten-year vaginal drought is initiated Australia-wide.

Sam thought that Nina and Eden were super loved-up, which seems misguided because they have not yet kissed, but urges Eden to show Nina his big heart. His gesture is not so much to….talk to Nina…but to talk to Daniel. He urges him to treat Nina with respect. It’s an admirable attempt, but I don’t think Daniel actually understands the basic concept of respecting women, so maybe the time could have been better spent.

Jarrod makes some creeper talk about the Australian women being ‘innocent and genuine’. Just wait til the rose ceremony, mate.

First up, Leah tells us that she wants to get rid of the arseholes and keep the nice guys here. So she chooses Michael. I’m not a fan of Mack but honestly all Leah’s choice does is make sure he goes home. It does nothing for the many other pricks here.

Tara chooses Sam. They smooch and I can’t even begrudge this anymore given the constant parade of deeply garbage me.

Lisa chooses Luke.

Ali chooses Grant.

While Daniel opines on voiceover that ‘ If I haven’t kissed her, he sure as hell ain’t gonna kiss her’, while Nina chooses…..Eden THANK CHRIST. However, if she’s not seeing him as more than a friend, I hope she gives someone else the opportunity to hang out with him.

Laurina has been built up to be the one to choose Daniel, as ostensibly agreed earlier. So she drops a bombshell when she chooses, in her words ‘American Jared’. I think even Jawbreaker over there floored by that one. Turns out Daniel said something ‘slimy and derogatory’ to her at the end of the cocktail party, and when you think about all the disgusting things that Daniel has been shown saying, you’ve got to think it’s pretty bad for them not to show us, right?

Megan chooses Jake (DON’T WORRY MEGAN ELORA IS ALMOST HERE)

Keira steps up to the plate for the last rose, muttering ‘I don’t know…’ under her breath in a great show of confidence. Eventually she settles (in every sense of the word), for Jarrod.

This means a big old DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD to Keen Bean Mack and Cheese, Convicted Assaulter Blake, and Probable Assaulter Come On Daniel.

See you in a couple of days for the end of this godforsaken week.