Sometimes, life doesn’t want you to tell people about this week’s The Bachelor in detail. Sometimes, life wants you to spend more than 5 hours of your day in meetings, the majority of that time spent writing notes by hand.
It’s a bumper post, however, as I managed to carve out some time on the weekend to
make fun of Matty some more add some more details.
It’s like Christmas in the mansion. Why’s that? Because Jen’s left. The mischievous music matches Tara’s joy.
Knowing that now the villains are out of the way, it’s time to concentrate on Actual Relationships, and everyone’s sure it must be Simone’s time for a glory. She’s the only girl left in the house who hasn’t had a single date. Osher meanly turns up to remind everyone that the only way to strengthen their relationship is alone time….and then hands out a date card that’s addressed to Laura, who seems to have had a significant amount of alone time (which is to be expected, she is a favourite, and Matty knows in his heart he will not be making a former topless waitress the mother of his brood of children). She apologises to Simone, but she’s excited. She knows what a winner smells like.
The clue for the date is ‘Do you believe your destiny is written in the stars? Let’s see what the future holds for us’.
Laura has clearly seen this garbage show before, because she managed to predict all the major elements of the date….although she does repeatedly call the Observatory a ‘Conservatorium’. It’s kinda hard not to enjoy Laura. Obviously many minus points for liking this dingbat in the first place, but as they reminisce about their first date, she remembers the portrait of her that he drew – she still has it, and ‘it’s frightening’.
The first element of the date is to visit a psychic. Weirdly, as that’s exactly what Matty’s been indicating in the pre-date interview, this psychic thinks that Laura is a bit more guarded and wants to spend a bit more time getting to know someone. This is of course only really a flaw in Bachelor-land, but it was clear on their first date that she’s not super comfortable with the process. Anyway, Laura clearly thinks psychics are nonsense, which is one reason she is great. As they talk about their star signs, Matty asks if he’s ‘easy to read’ and Laura confirms this. I mean, you’re not subtle, mate.
When night falls, they walk across the street to the
Conservatorium Observatory and after a cheeky bit of sky-gazing (chaperoned by an astronomer), he breaks it to her. They’re going to name a star – a relatively young star. And he knew Laura was the perfect woman for him as she responded by shrieking
‘We’re going to name a BABY’
(They name it ‘Mataura’ so I have questions about whether these two should really be allowed to combine their DNA)
In their post-date winey cheesey session, he prods her about her wall and not letting him in and generally lamenting that he doesn’t have an ice dragon. She tells him ‘It’s hard to be completely and utterly open, and be so excited about this when you’re… not mine’ which is a legitimate thing to say to a man with seven other girlfriends. She does think that this is all amazing ‘Do you really think? ‘Yeah, I really think – What do you think?’ ‘I want to know more about what you think’
Seriously though that was an awful flashback to his first date with Elora.
He gives her a rose and gives her a performance review of their date:
‘There’s nothing nicer than when your expectations are met…and today they were definitely met’
Group date! Matty hasn’t pushed the kid thing enough so he literally decides their group date should be a kid’s party. First the girls are confronted by shirts featuring childhood photos. Everyone is mean about Laura’s photo – in interview Elora says she looked awful, and Florence says she looks like an ugly monkey.
(She looks like a child)
Simone vehemently denies being a natural-born redhead to the belief of no-one.
There’s some theme here about their pasts revealing who they are now but given this date involves eating donuts on a string we might as well just say Matty really likes kids and leave it at that. He also likes inappropriately touching ladies, which comes in handy when the girls put a childhood memory in a balloon and they have to pop the balloon with their bodies. Elora starts the proceedings with Tara commenting ‘they were in so many…positions’. Queen Tara cries ‘Alright Matty bend over’ then momentarily mistakes him for Ginuwine, riding him like a pony.
Another part of the date involves a memorable object from their childhood. Three significant things here:
1. Simone’s Mum has either confused her for a sister (definitely something my Mum would do), or thrown her under a bus for exposing her lack of cooking skills on national television, because she sends along a pair of ballet shoes. Simone has never done ballet and has to deftly lie about it.
2. Florence has had a creepy little teddybear sent along, and tells Matty when she was mad she used to cut its ears and legs off. I’d be getting that thing blessed by a young priest and an old priest because…
3. Matty gets really excited when he realises Elise’s ‘Adventurers’ cap relates to time spent a) outdoors and b) with her Dad.
There’s also a game of ‘pin the heart on the bachelor’ (referred to by Osher as ‘shameless exploitation’ like this is something new and different for the show)
The most significant part of which is when Simone reveals her thirst and puts her heart on his Little Matty Johnson. In addition Tara continues her status as an enthusiastic Arse Woman.
He chooses Elise to spend extra time with and they enthuse about how they ‘share the same values’ i.e both really like Elise’s Dad, Paul. There’s a lot of talk about the ‘spark’ they share and he gives her a rose. But I think this is 90% just Matty needing a father figure. Pick Osher!
With our villains gone the cocktail parties are a bit more chill. Laura notes she is increasingly feeling more jealous of his connections with other girls (this comes up when he is talking to Tara), and Elora ‘hates herself’ for not talking to him at the last 3 parties, which is not a bad bit of context for the next episode. She does in fact talk to him at this party, as he whisks her off to the secret garden, or, as Tara dubs it, ‘the Seeky-G’. As Matty asks her about their future together, she enthuses about the travelling they’ll do – but when pressed she assures him that she’s ready to settle down.
(I think this, not her actions in the next episode, will be the kiss of death for her next week)
No-one in the world, not even Simone, is shocked when she is sent home at the rose ceremony.
Osher drops by to remind everyone that home towns are coming up and maybe they should remind everyone back home to get back on their meds before this slice of vanilla sponge cake is allowed to meet them. He also drops off a date card:
‘Last time we fell for one another – let’s take things to new heights’
Everyone knows it’s Florence so that’s….not exciting.
He picks her up in a helicopter, because apparently Channel 10 found a tiny bit of space in the budget, and after stepping out of the chopper, tells her he’s never been in one before.
They’re dropped off at a remote locate somewhere in/around the Royal National Park. Just a nice normal place to do some…pottery. Apparently Matty has won awards for his pottery, his particular speciality being
smoking bowls. Seems fake tbh, and an extremely elaborate setup for the Ghost moment (the Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze movie, not the direwolf)
Sorry just got distracted thinking about how much better this show could be with the threat of random direwolf attacks
Anyway he does start rubbing up behind her after her pottery starts taking a phallic turn and he wants to set her on the right course. She tells us ‘I know if this was the real world, this would be something really good’ but unfortunately for her it’s a fake-arse reality TV show. He then takes her to a random couch set up perched on a precipice in the middle of bushland (good idea, easier for predators to sneak up on you) and makes her repeat how much she enjoyed him sitting sort of awkwardly next to/behind her while a low-budget Unchained Melody played over the soundtrack. After all, he wants her to get serious. No more jokes! She discusses how hard it is, with six other girls still left. She’s happy she made it this far, but she can’t ignore the other girls. None of the girls are really letting him off the hook with this whole ‘yeah you’re still dating a WHOLE BUNCH of other people’ thing. She gets a rose and they have a pash after he carefully explains that he’s putting the moves on her. I like Flo – she seems like delight – but at this point, if they’ve had two single dates and haven’t talked about babies once? She’s top three, at best.
At the group date we all want to practice our boxing skills on Osher’s face when he asks the activewear-clad girls if they are ‘fit to find love’ god Osher stoppppppp.
Anyway they’re lycra-clad to write their biggest fears about falling in love on a piece of wood. No, they’re lycra-clad to learn about boxing from a guy named Michael! And then they have to punch through the scary piece of chipboard. It’s all very dumb. I usually try to write detailed notes but this is what I had when they introduced the boxing element”
Few things here:
1. Matty talks to Lisa while she’s writing and she doesn’t like talking about her feelings. I talked about this in my first and second recaps, that Lisa’s emotional reserve was going to be Their Thing. This is not a bachie who will deal with you keeping your feelings to yourself (and that’s not really a story that this show is set up to support).
2. Lisa punches Matty in the stomach or The Little Matty Johnson (we don’t really see) and then punches him in the head. That may be the moment she gives up:
2. Cobie has a very emotional fear about falling in love in relation to her past behaviour. She’s not happy when she has to read this out loud, and is not pleased with the outcome.
3. When Matty chooses Tara to spend extra time with over dinner, it’s pretty obvious it has nothing to do with her performance on this date, but because he really bloody fancies Tara.
(As a note, the only fears we heard were Cobie, Elise, Tara and Laura’s).
He makes Tara trek in to the city in her activewear, so they can go to a hotel and get changed there. Tara sculls a bit of champagne to take the edge off, which is fair. She looks stunning, which Matty appreciates, as she emerges for their rooftop dinner of pad thai made by a private chef. Here’s some actual footage of me any time I’m eating pad thai:
I mean, I get to have the whole thing to myself and there’s no-one sitting across from me trying to mentally calculate my remaining fertile years and whether the name ‘Mara’ can be used if it’s a boy, so I still think I’m winning.
Anyway, Tara’s full of champagne and she’s ready to put it all on the line! Which basically means telling Matty that she likes him and looks forward to introducing him to her family. His ears prick up at the word ‘family’ and speaking of pricks… he gives her a rose. Much pashing ensues. Matty tells us ‘When I’m with Tara, she just becomes the most important thing to me….for that moment, Tara is the only girl in the world’, which to be fair is pretty much how I feel when Tara is onscreen.
The ~scandal~ at the cocktail party occurs when Elora pulls aside Matty for a chat and then decides to pull him out of view for a kiss, which he declines, on account of the fact that it is disrespectful to the other girls. Is this why we never got to see Laura’s chat in the Seeky-G? Because it could potentially be a tiny bit hypocritical if he had in fact kissed a girl at a cocktail party before? Anyway the girls work out what happened and aren’t happy. Elora’s worried she’d be sent home.
Speaking of the Seeky G, Matty pulled Cobie aside to tell her that he really appreciated her honesty on the group date and to give her a rose. She reacts as subtly as you’d expect:
Anyway, it turns out Matty will choose too much thirst over not enough thirst any day. Lisa just couldn’t quite get there in her feelings for him, so she is sent home.
And at this point, I am going to predict my running order for the next eliminations:
Laura and Tara
Ultimately I think Laura’s going to take it, but I think there’s gonna be some very tough moments getting there. I adore our Bogan Queen, I don’t want her to get her heart broken, but I also want to spare her a future as Matty’s brood mare.