Bachelor in Paradise Australia: Episodes 1 and 2

Now, I wanna manage some expectations here. Do not expect me to usually post my recaps on Tuesday. The schedule for the show is a bit iffy at the moment – this week, it aired on Sunday and Monday. Next week, it’s just Monday, but that might just be because of our pal Jesus. I cannot stay up ’til midnight writing on either of those nights. It’s dumb. And if you’re desperate to catch up, there’s folks out there writing for actual proper sites who have advance access and post recaps the second the episode finishes. If you want my unique but decidedly lukewarm takes, you might need to wait a few days.

However, today I happen to be home sick from work. After a couple of weeks of working long days, my body was happy to pick up literally any virus thrown at it. Luckily for me it was just a cold and not Hepatitis A, which sounds like a shit joke but was actually a real possibility thanks to an outbreak at a fancy restaurant where a work breakfast was hosted (I am all vaccinated as of today). So while I’m home I’m going to re-watch the episodes, and we’ll see what we come up with. I didn’t write my usual notes on my initial watch, as I was busy tweeting. I’m going to need to find the balance between Twitter jokes and note-taking this year, lest I get stuck re-watching every godforsaken episode.

I’ve seen Bachelor in Paradise US, so I’m familiar with the concept, but I will run over it, just like Osher did at the start of Episode One. Paradise has a cast of (basically) thousands, and a permanent gender imbalance with no interest in quotas. In episode one, there’s more guys than girls, and the girls will be giving out roses, meaning that the guys that don’t receive a rose will go home. Over the course of the episodes, more cast members will come in to keep the overall numbers about the same, but with a permanent imbalance and whichever gender has fewer cast members at each time doing the rose-distribution. There’s no ‘winner’ on paradise. You just win love (blech). If there’s couples that are established in the early days they can just keep picking each other the whole way through, although they better be telling a good love story or the producers will try to find some way to fuck it up. They’ll promote the cast as being ‘favourites’ but they always use some villains in because…. drama. The whole show is basically Grown-Up Schoolies. The last season of Bachelor in Paradise US had some controversy which led to a shutdown in production, which will have informed a lot of the choices made in this version. What they didn’t consider doing, of course, was not plying all the contestants with alcohol, constantly, because everyone knows that has no effect on consent, duh!

First person to arrive in Fiji (and subsequently ask ‘Is the bar open yet?’) is my precious Bogan Queen and I have never been so glad to see a person in my life. As long as Tara is there, if nothing else, we will have excellent commentary. She tells us that Bachie taught her to ‘live every day like it’s your last’ which seems a bit dramatic, even if Matty J may inspire someone to die of boredom. Tara is looking forward to fresh meat, which is something she will come to literally scream at people as they arrive. She mutters about wanting to take her shoes off and hunts down Wise the Barman, which is relatable as ever.

Old Mate Sam Frost’s Second Place Michael turns up. I was a bit of a fan of him during Sam’s season, although that faded quickly. He’s ‘extremely competitive’ and all his opening shots show him working out. He’s hoping Laurina and/or Tara will be in Paradise, and I’m really worried he somehow imprints on Tara by being the first guy there. She talks to him….a lot…about how sweaty she is. I’m not actually sure how good this show is at advertising Fiji, honestly. It just seems so humid.

Tall Luke from Sophie’s season turns up, then Lisa from Blake’s season (which I did not watch). Luke almost immediately has heart eyes for her. He says she is ‘gorgeous, attractive (bit repetitive) and has a good vibe to her’. Tara ominously says ‘this is such a good crew…I hope it stays good’ before Awful Leah turns up. Tara is open to giving Awful Leah a chance, and they ask her who she would like to see. Davey Lloyd from Sam’s season is brought up, and Lisa says she would not date him, but he would be a hell of a lot of fun. What an entry for… tada, Davey! Anyway, he’s a Larrikin who has finally moved out of his parents’ place. Congratulations. He’d like to meet Florence because they’ve been flirting on the socials. Brett from Sophie’s season turns up: ‘Got the sun, got the beach, got the babes, got the boys….what could go wrong?’. Well, I’ve got some thoughts. But we’ll get to that. Tara mentions quite casually to Michael and Lisa that Brett’s dating her friend Steph (from Matty’s season). Hmm.

Nina from Saw Woods’ season (which I also didn’t catch) turns up. Eden from Sophie’s season turns up and Tara screams ‘WHERE’S YOUR TRACKSUIT’, thanks to a very memorable breakdancing entrance.

Davey frames his choice to chat to Leah as a strategic decision regarding alliances, not romantic interest. They get along quite well and he tries to get an idea of whether she would take him on a date: ‘We’ll see if anyone better walks in’. Lovely direct Florence walks in at this very moment. She’d like to meet Davey: ‘he’s hot and funny!’. And here are three corners of the love square. Tara and Florence do a hilarious greeting dance and I just want the whole show to be about them. Instead stupid Davey pulls Flo aside for a chat, and Leah threatens to fight for Davey if she’s interested.


Why is anyone thirsting after this dude with NO game. He asks Florence very unsubtly where her bungalow is and she seems IN TO IT? Why?

Eden and Nina have a bit of a chat. Eden is showing some seriously unforeseen quality here being interested in Nina, who is rapidly becoming one of my faves on account of her eminent sensible-ness. Eden mostly still seems like a Kiwi boofhead but he is making her laugh, so okay bro. The show should show us 1000% more of them and not…everything that is about to happen.

Not Mack. Mack’s just a bit of a sad case, isn’t he? An immense Sophie Monk fanboy who sang at her for far too long. He sees Leah straight away and I think we can safely say immediately falls in love with her, because if you don’t have long blonde hair you don’t stand a chance with this fella. Anyway. She’ll steamroller over his heart.

I’m reluctantly to even talk about who turns up next. Blake from Sophie’s season turns up. Now we already know that Blake’s a bully. It’s emerged since that Blake has been convicted of assault over a 2015 incident and has been investigated over revenge porn accusations from Awful Jen from Matty’s season. This man should not be on this show. If he is seeking redemption, being put forward as a romantic prospect on a television show (particularly one which is very alcohol-fuelled) is not the place for him to do it. Channel 10 messed up badly on this one and I will not stop mentioning that Blake Colman has plead guilty to assault and put a man in hospital until he is off the show. And even then, maybe.

Nina correctly assesses when he turns up that this is ‘someone I probably don’t need to get to know’, and this is why I love her.

Flo jokes that while he is not her type, she’s said that about a lot of guys….and then lambasts herself as sounding like a massive slut. I disagree, but it’s safe to say Florence has a bit of a fuckboy problem that I’d love to see her cured of.

And while we’re on the topic, old mate Jake from Georgia’s season turns up. He disagrees with the general option that he is the nice guy of the season, which is probably the only accurate piece of self-insight he will offer all season. He’d like to meet Megan Marx from Richie’s season (who infamously went on to date one of the other girls on the show), and the ads tell us if he can just manage to keep his shit together long enough, he might get the opportunity. He quietly slips in ‘I did meet Florence at an event where we did Family Feud for charity, so that’d be good to explore a bit more’. This is an admirable attempt at discretion, however he’s forgetting he’s talking about one of the most direct women in Australian television, because of course she spills to camera that not only did they meet, their genitals met as well (‘People talk on Instagram, then you meet and get smashed and… things happen’ which is a fairly accurate picture of romance in 2018). But it fizzled out. Florence is surprised to see him, feeling a bit awkward but pleased. And Davey is…jealous. Florence doesn’t want to hurt Jake’s feelings because she’s in to Davey.

I wasn’t kidding about this whole thing being like Schoolies.

Osher comes in and gives Tara (‘Tarzy’) a gentle roast about ‘that time I dumped you on telly’ and I’m a little scared that Osher thinks he’s The Bachelor but that’s okay. Brett’s Not Girlfriend comes up again as Osher asks if everyone is single and Brett half-heartedly raised his hand. Brett says in interview that if she turned up he’d give her a big hug and a kiss.

He responded with ‘That was the premises [sic] to get here…you had to be single….let’s just leave it at that’ and how this nonsense continued for an entire episode after this fuckery we’ll never know.

Osher announces that the ladies have Rose Ceremony control and Nina relishes the fear in the men’s eyes. Come on. We love her. Osher directly references Rose Maths and all of Twitter goes wild. He lies and says three men are going home and says ‘Pair up or pack up’, which honestly us 30-somethings have been hearing our whole lives, thanks. Flo confirms would give Davey a rose or take him on a date, at his badgering. So it’s a bit of a surprise when Davey gets the date card and decides to take Leah to avoid Jake/Florence drama. In what universe is that a good idea? Leah literally worships chaos. Flo is pisssssed. And Leah is not really in to him. She describes him as a ‘naughty schoolboy’ and they have a very mediocre pash. Immediately afterwards, she says ‘You’ve been dying to do that, haven’t you? That’s funny – feel better now?’ and not…not in a kind way. In a ‘are we done here?’ way.

When the girls ask Florence if she would subsequently give her rose to Jake, she admits to the banging (and subsequent fighting and no longer talking) and Tara goes in to deep slut-shaming mode – of Jake. They’re both from the Gold Coast and Jake has a bit…no, a lot of a reputation as a pants man… Florence seems to have heard this from others, too, but when she goes and confronts him about it, it’s hella outing Tara. She’s the only one from his area! Jake must be the stupidest man alive to not be able to work out where the leak comes from (it’s his pants. …No, sorry). Then again, they’re all quite drunk. And because they’re all drunk, I really don’t want to cover their rambling argument. Florence wants to address these rumours, Jake is immediately offended and wants to discuss who accused him instead of just talk about the issue at hand. Definitely a great way to convince someone that you’re not dodgy. It’s doesn’t end well. They all spend the rest of the night being drunk messes.

The last thing you need to know is that the next day Keira (from Richie’s season) gets thrown in to the mix (meaning there’s an extra rose in the offing), she’s very pleased with the new tits and teeth, and basically none of the men want anything to do with her. Except Jake. Because he knows his rose from Florence is at severe risk. Jake gets a date card and hemms and hawws about it for 40 years, discussing it with Brett and Davey who confirm he may have blown it with Florence. He then decides to takes Flo on the date, asking her at the perfect moment of when she was having a nice chat with Davey. Very classy.

Moving on now to episode 2. God. Finally. These bastards run for an hour and a half with ads.

So part of the important context here is that on Sam Frost’s season, Davey was all caught up in the concept of ‘the bro code’. Which doesn’t necessarily need to be gendered when it’s just ‘treat your friends respectfully’, but he takes the whole idea too far when he acts like a woman is a possession to pass back and forward. So let’s sort it out for Davey: Florence and Jake already had an opportunity in the real world. They’re both here on the show (presumably, because Brett proves this isn’t universally true) because they’re open to meeting anyone. So if Florence has shown you and told you she’s interested, take the damn girl on the date because that is the POINT of the show. Nonetheless, it wasn’t super-classy of Jake to literally interrupt their conversation to ask her on a date rather than wait five minutes. Davey still would have been butthurt because he’s jealous and doesn’t feel like he’s being treated with reciprocal respect, but nonetheless, maybe he wasn’t treating Florence with respect by making her feel second-best.


Florence and Jake go to their date at a waterfall (I like that all the dates so far have been…go to a slightly-different location). It is CLEAR that Florence doesn’t really like him as a person (and vice versa), but they’re just very attracted to each other. And this is why I want Florence to be cured of her fuckboy thing. Because she has not yet learned that some boys should just be left at one bang and you’re done. Or even better, if they’re an STD risk, no bangs and you’re done. Anyway, they make out and try to avoid arguing the entire time, which is hard when one of you is a direct as fuck ice queen.


Florence’s gut is telling her not to give him a rose, because this isn’t going to turn out well. We need to teach Florence to trust her gut.


The production crew decides to show us a shot of Eden and Nina having a very cute snuggling nap but refuses to show us them talking so we can actually get invested.

Hey remember Terrible Sam and his Terrible Hair? He’s here. He thinks we’ll remember him from getting the Double Delight rose, which is deeply delusional. He also thinks he’s still single because he has a ‘high expectation and a high understanding of what I bring to a relationship’, and someone for sure is high here and it ain’t me. He pulled this line last year and still has yet to prove anything he brings to a relationship except perviness and a hunger for fame. Go away, Sam. It will surprise approximately zero people that he finds himself getting along with Keira. None of the rest of the girls are having a bar of it. Queen Tara says to her cocktail-mates ‘He’s not getting a rose from me, I’m telling you that’ while mentioning to camera ‘No romantic interest in Uncle Sam [Sophie’s nickname for him]. Happy or him to stay my uncle’ and Queen Nina tells us ‘I like my men…tall dark and handsome, as opposed to short, blonde and a child’


So the boys push Sam on Keira and they bond over Richie’s terrible laugh, which is fair. It is clear from the conversation between the boys that Brett is not pursuing anyone or making ANY effort to stay.

Upon her return from her date with Jake, Florence IMMEDIATELY and not at all subtly grabs Tara saying ‘Do you want to have a chat???’. Twice. Gee, got something to get off your chest, Flo? Keira somehow gets roped in to the chat and barely disguises the temptation to howl laughing when Florence says she doesn’t want to give Jake the rose. She somehow converts it in to a groan. Tara cannot keep her trap shut and immediately tells Davey that Florence will want to chat with him. But honestly Florence just seems to be exhausted by all the thirst. It’s almost like being a woman on the internet. When Davey asks her if she wants to hang out more, she says ‘We’re hanging out now. Be appreciative’. Oh she’s so good. She deserves better than both of these idiots.

Lisa has a very beady eye on Brett, on account of the whole ‘having a girlfriend’ thing. Tara would like Brett to stay, apparently with hopes of a reunion with Steph, the girl HE IS ALREADY DATING. Michael and Tara must have some sort of agreement in the rose stakes (girl why) because he is sitting here in this discussion with all of the girls and it transpires that Tara has attempted to convince Keira to choose Brett to keep him in. But now as Keira would like to give Sam a rose (GIRL WHY), she’d like her to put that pressure on Florence instead so she can send both her garbage men away. And Lisa would like no-one to have the pressure to choose a guy who’s not a viable option for anyone, BECAUSE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

I don’t think any of this had to end in tears. When Keira decided she was invested in actually choosing someone, she should have told Tara in some other non-group context, and Tara probably would have been chill. The context has changed now that Keira has someone she’d actually like to choose, for some unknown bloody reason. And Brett doesn’t deserve the spot, because he has made no effort to secure it. But instead, because EVERYONE IS DRUNK, they all decide to go in on Tara, instead of I don’t know….asking Brett why he’s here?

Dirty Street Pie Laurina, from Blake’s season, is here. I didn’t watch that season but I very much admire the Dirty Street Pie comment. Laurina seems like a very…spiritual person, actually repeating the affirmation ‘I am love. I am light. I am laughter’ on screen. I hope production slipped this in to her room.


She comes in with a date card and she says she’s first going to judge on looks, then have a chat and see who has the initiative for her to give it to them. Blake has no chance with anyone so he hones in on her. Laurina has a long list of attributes she wants in a man and Blake matches not a single one of them. Girl good luck. She WATCHED Sophie’s season and apparently ‘likes cocky guys’. Nina is amazed that he moved in WHEN LAURINA DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A DRINK YET, which is indeed the height of rudeness. Laurina wants to make him feel confident, so offers him the date. Honey, he has an abundance of confidence. Knock him down three pegs, at least. Anyway they go on a date, rub each other in mud and have a bit of a kiss. I will not participate in Blake’s redemption arc. She rates the date 6.2 out of 10.

I need to make note of a lot of the man-jewellery happening here. I saw Luke and Brett wearing similar pieces to this. It’s a whole thing, that may be traditional Fijian but is never, ever explained.

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Just thought you all should know.

Sam describes Keira as ‘an absolute legend’, very romantic. They are clearly not in to each other but their egos seem to enjoy some aspect of each other.

Tara is all in her feelings because she took on the idea that the girls thought she was ‘forcing’ them to choose Brett. It emerges that Tara thought everyone knew Brett and Steph were together (remembering she is a particular friend of Steph). But even production didn’t know. So when Tara gets upset (and I HATE seeing her cry, she is a wonderful sensitive angel), Get-A-Grip Friend Florence friend suggests to her, maybe go chat to Brett? Which gives production a great chance to just confront the guy once and for all. The fourth wall is broken SO HARD. ONSCREEN. But first a producer informs Tara that Brett and Steph had both said they were single during casting, so she’s on the defensive. But production gets the real FINISH HIM move. It’s stunning.

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Brett admits they have been seeing each other for a year. A YEAR. But it’s not Facebook official, so it’s fine! Tara says ‘yeah you wanted your love story, right?’ and he responds with ‘I’m not looking for a love story, but…’ and THAT’S where he loses her.

This was his little rant on Instagram after the episode, by the way.


And look, I would never put it past production to indulge in some manipulation. I mean, we’ve all seen UnREAL, and no-one casting Blake Colman in a show can claim the moral high ground. But the ‘right reasons’ for being on the show (a phrase constantly thrown around by contestants) don’t actually include a paid holiday with your existing girlfriend.

When it’s announced that the rose ceremony is happening that night, the girls actually go off to debrief who’s getting a rose, which is interesting. It’s settled that it’s basically down to Florence to decide who gets out of what Nina describes as ‘The Naughty Corner’ – her choices being Jake, Davey or Brett. And come on, we all know Brett is out of here. The only choice is Jake or Davey, and who will piss her off the most with their thirst at the cocktail party.

Note: Leah’s gonna get sick of Mack so soon. When he tells her he thinks she’s amazing, she says ‘I know, I hear it from everybody’.


She did a handy job extricating herself from the ‘love square’, however, and knows she won’t be facing a lot of competition for old mate Mack.

Florence is mid-rant to Nina, saying ‘Every time I turn around, Davey or Jake would appear…’ and like magic, Davey appears. Those are bad summoning powers, Florence. Anyway, he knows this is ‘do or die’, so he gets her…a handful of flowers. The biggest of guns. Michael thinks Florence is leaning towards Davey because he brings out ‘a soft spot’ in people, i.e people pity him. He doesn’t seem to have considered that Florence is an ice queen.

The rose ceremony brings us a handy outline of the established couples/alliances:
Nina + Eden
Leah + Mack
Keira + Sam
Lisa + Luke
Laurina + Blake
Tara + Michael

And of course they left Flo til last. She chooses Jake. She’s not quite there yet on her fuckboy-shedding journey, but the way she mentioned she was wondering if she’d made a mistake with her choice on After Paradise makes me think she makes some progress over the course of the show.

Davey and Brett are outta here.

Until next week. Sometime. Probably not Tuesday.



The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 16 (The Finale)

Did you notice the Baby Creeper aspect has been pushed in to the background over the last few episodes?

Well, that was your first clue about what was going to happen tonight.

(Well, no, it was about your 78th clue as I picked her for the final two as of the first episode)

You may recall – if you don’t, I have a handy dandy recap for you – that in episode seven, Laura told Matty she didn’t see herself being ready to have kids for another ‘five or six years’. Given she’s probably about to be spending plenty of time with a toddler and a newborn baby, I reckon you can guarantee she’s off to get a fresh Implanon installed, too.
better late
Anyway, it’s pretty significant that they stepped well away from that narrative once Laura became the clear frontrunner.

Look, we all knew what was happening here. The Daily Mail made sure of that, and while the show already did a pretty crappy job of telling the story of Matty and his second-place, it would have been an outright failure if there’d barely introduced his winner until the same episode her Dad appeared. Just sayin’. Let’s have a look at how they framed this inevitability.

At the final two, it’s important to contrast the two ladies left. After all, heaven forfend Australia notice that he’d probably be happy with any generically nice, white girl with hair in some shade of bronde. So Elise gets the ‘down-to-earth’ edit, where she is all warmth and smiles the girl who will fit nicely in to his life even though she lives in South Australia and Laura lives around the corner. Laura, by the way, seems perfectly down-to-earth too, but instead she gets the confident career lady edit, even though she cracks under the slightest pressure.

It’s used in two ways – to make us think Elise will win, and to make sure we know Elise will be okay. Firstly, she gets along with Matty’s Mum and brothers (there is no Tyrant Kate to be seen because he eggo is preggo again, although apparently she’s messaged them this morning, presumably saying ‘GRILL ‘EM TOMMY’) like a house on fire (Matty says ‘It’s almost too perfect’ hint hint). Boy does Matty’s brother have some questions for her, though. They edit it to look like he basically opens up his line of questioning with ‘Have you had many lovers in the past?’ and Elise chooses to answer talking about her two ex-boyfriends, rather than response I personally would have chosen:

Seriously though Tommy, what’s up your dick with that question?  Umm anyway the rest of his line of questioning allows her to once again reiterate for the umpteenth time this episode how compatible they are because of how much they like not being inside and how much they enjoy physical exertion. And this is double edged sword for Elise, or at least the show wants us to believe that . She would fit nicely in to his life. His family likes her (his Mum fucking loves her). They can teach their tanned kids hockey and pick leeches off each other on hikes in the deepest wilderness. But also: what’s that exciting about someone who’s exactly like you? There’s no challenge. That’s a reason not to pick her, yes, but they could have just focused on the fact that these two have zero chemistry and just come off as good friends who pash sometimes.

In their solo day, taking place on a superyacht and a private island (so now we know where the budget for the rest of the series went) they want us to know Elise will be okay. Even though he wrings a few more declarations of love out of her, she also reiterates that she knows ‘it might get taken away from me, but I’m glad I’ve done it, because I’m really happy’. In her post-dumping to-camera and this heartbreaking interview after the finale, it’s pretty clear she quickly changed her mind on that, and it was just the confidence and high of love talking.


Laura pretty much screws the pooch with the in-laws. And I think at this point I realise this why it is that I like Laura – we are not dissimilar. Because damn is she a nervous talker. One question down and they know her entire LinkedIn profile and then some.

real vomit

And then she straight up cries at Matty’s Mum because she gets a bit worked up. I’ve been there before. It feels like total garbage. It’s not just emotion – it’s nerves and anxiety and a million other things and you feel the need to apologise because you’re not usually like this, dammit. So even though she’s talking about something quite nice – her love for Matty – sometimes you’ve just been keeping your cool for too long and need to let it out.
Lukily Matty’s Mum recognises this as a sign of the strength of her genuine feelings and not that she’s an overly-emotional weirdo.

I continue to lack any appreciation for Tommy after he basically tells Laura that Elise is better suited because she fucking likes camping or whatever, Laura then needs to jump to her own defence, talking about how she’s done heaps of backpacking, she’s ‘no-fuss, not precious, not a drama queen’ and of course someone in this fucking family thinks that’s ‘awesome’. This obsession with women being ‘low maintenance’, when Matty is the most fucking manicured, bleach-teeth, perfectly-abbed guy on television, is hypocritical and exhausting.

Their solo date is full of loving sick on each other – in a lake, on a gondola in the rain – while the service industry employees of Thailand and an elephant look on.


Weird that they invited Akoulina back.

Like I just want to get on with this because it’s nearly midnight so basically their date is full of a lot of laughter and Matty’s patented Fuck Eye.

Suddenly it’s doomsday. Everyone’s melting in their suits, Laura gets frocked up in a white top and skirt – all the better to show off her abs – and Elise looks stunning in gold (for the second episode running – I’m glad to costume department liked her, at least). Matty positions himself between two golden elephant statues that are surrounded by pink petals.
Old mate’s brought a ring along, too. Over the last few days there’s been a story going around that he proposed and the girl turned him down, which was a good way to create any dramatic tension here.

They’re transporting the girls via boat and I start dreading the indignity of stumbling off a boat in heels while you’re off to get your heartbroken, but a strapping gentleman is kind enough to carry them off the boats, which is a bit fabulous, actually.

The first girl to arrive is always the dumpee, and no-one’s particularly surprised when it’s Elise. But oh, she’s so excited and hopeful. It’s awful to watch. It’s mostly treated in the kindest way possible – no fakeout like Georgia gave him, the gut-punch that started us on this whole sorry journey. Although he does tell her ‘I’ve realised that we’re so similar in so many ways, and I love that about you’, which is a great way of really saying you’re a bit up yourself. She does an amazing job at saving face in front of him, wishing him the best, but she only gets to walk away as far away as necessary before she starts crying.

Matty relocates himself to a colourful rug at the end of a rose-strewn path to greet Laura. Laura has told Osher ‘I’m ready to find out where I stand, whether it’s good or bad’ and it turns out she was deadset convinced it was bad. Matty greets her with a broad grin and sighs, to which she replies ‘it’s okay’. She looks like she’s going to vomit or cry or both, interrupting his speech with ‘It’s okay, whatever it is, it’s okay’ and just generally acts like she’s lost until he finally spits out that he loves her. So it’s actually pretty nice to be able to see these kids finally express their feelings for one another. Also he pops the ring on her right hand (god, it’s a risky move giving jewellery to a jewellery designer) so presumably she’s got a bit of time before she needs to start worrying about getting knocked up.

Put out your hockeysticks for Elise, folks.



The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 15

Oh god, where to start? The anger, it’s too fresh.

And it’s not just that I was wrong with my predictions. It was so sad to see wonderful Bogan Queen Tara heartbroken tonight. Not really because she’s not going to be with Matty – personally I’d prefer no-one ended up with Matty – but because he’d led her to believe she’d finally found someone who doesn’t think she’s Too Much. So mostly I hate that this precious cinnamon roll may think she ever needs to make herself lesser to be desirable to a nation of milquetoast boys.


My main hope at this stage is that Celebrity Bogan Queen Sophie Monk will pave the way for a Bachelorette as charming, lively, and unfiltered as Tara.

Let’s go back to the start. This week’s first date goes to Laura. The folks at Destination Wollongong are stoked that this date takes place in the Northern Illawarra. Heck knows the timeline for this date. They start out driving over the Sea Cliff Bridge, and this is my home area so I’m wondering how the hell they got that sucker empty. Either this is the legit crack of dawn, or they somehow managed to close the bridge for filming. Seems a bit over-the-top. Anyway. They make their way to the elegantly named Bald Hill. Only one thing happens at Bald Hill, and that’s skydiving. Laura’s generally got the more tame dates, so apart from the previous group date where they jumped out of a plane, I’m not really sure she has a leg to stand on when she says ‘I’m starting to get a little concerned that he wants to throw me off and out of things’.
Anyway she’s really excited! She loves things that push her out of her comfort zone. It’s an attitude that she has to carry with her to winey cheese time, for which they must have returned to the mansion because there’s some serious Daytime! Nighttime! action. One nice thing that happens this episode, is that Matty commissioned a production assistant totally drew himself a new portrait of Laura to replace the First Date Monstrosity. Laura is delighted. Does it look a bit like Georgia Love? Maybe. But it’s not enough to deter her from forcefully ripping herself from her comfort zone, against the better judgement that has served her perfectly well all season long. Ah well, I said she’d need to go balls deep, and here it goes. This took her about 40 minutes to get out and nonetheless my typing probably missed some stuff:

‘You’re very unexpected… I came in to this with no expectations…I’ve been taken for six in this….*long pause*…yeah well, this is incredibly difficult, because I’ve never ever been in a situation where I’ll need to put everything out there and not get that back, and I know there is a very good chance that I will get very hurt in this… but I would prefer to get hurt and for you to know everything…I am utterly falling in love with you, I genuinely am. It is truly the best feeling in the world’

Look I’m gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say for the finale they’ll just choose the last two lines.

Prior to this, Matty had told us that despite his many repeated misgivings about her reticence, he was just gonna let her stay at the level of expression she was comfortable with tonight (and presumably dump her if she was not effusive enough). So we know it was on his mind. His response to her outpouring? ‘I didn’t expect you to say that’. Mate what the fuck were you expecting after your interrogation at hometowns?


Anyway they do some pashing and bantz to relieve the tension and apparently she still likes the first portrait, so I guess she really loves him (and, in fact, they make the new portrait face away as they’re kissing so I guess it’s haunted).

I don’t know what to say about his date with Elise. There’s a steam train, it unfortunately doesn’t run anyone down. Did you know he and Elise had a ‘slow burn’? And she likes sports and the outdoors? That her family is ‘one he wants to be part of’ (because of Phil, obvs). There’s no new information here. He takes her camping so you know I think we can definitely vote for this as Worst Date Ever.


There’s another very eloquent confession, from Elise:
‘I don’t fall for people often, but I know when I do. Everything kinda makes sense. I kinda feel like yeah, since hometowns, it has changed…and I can see a future with us, and yeah, I am falling in love with you’

And he just nods in response and says ‘I didn’t know that’.call

Like he makes all the right noises after that, but Smart Bachie Person Jodi McAlister did raise the theory that possibly he sent Tara rather than Elise home at this point not because he likes Elise so much, but rather to spare Tara the hurt of being let down later in the game.

Let’s move on to Tara’s date though, because there was one fundamental difference to the other girls. And not just that she was orally ecstatic about every element. When she turns up to some docks to see Matty waiting, she exclaims: ‘Oh sick! Matty and a seaplane, my two favourite things’. She’s apparently never been in a seaplane before but given Matty lied about having been in a helicopter in episode 12 I think we’re all chill. They take the seaplane to a yacht because okay. He proves Troy right, he is a liar, because he says Tara’s family were nice at hometowns. He also repeatedly reminds us that he laughs all time with Tara, that he forgets the rest of the world exists, that he thinks their future would be so fun. Why you dump her then bro? Well, here’s a thought. As the serious part of winey cheesy time happens (Tara, who cannot resist commenting on anything including peacefulness, shrieks ‘ohhhh this is so pretty’ like a) Matty set it up himself and b) it doesn’t look the same as the hundreds of other couches and cheeseboards we’ve seen over the season), Tara first stresses about being too full-on for other people. Which, yes, I, an introvert, could only handle her in small doses, but she is still a perfect angel. She then tells him ‘I really really like you, and I can see myself falling in love with you, so soon’.

So soon.

So look, I like the ‘she was sent home to protect her beautiful heart before they jet off overseas’ theory. But Matty is a garbage person, so I truly believe he went down his list of L-bombs and realised there was one missing.

So, back at the mansion of awkwardness and sobriety, Matty tells us he feels terrible – he has feelings for and sees a future with all of them – and Osher turns up to provide some highly unnecessary Rose Maths. Matty picks Laura first, and then Elise.
Matty, I’ve got two things to say to you:

RIP Bogan Queen.

The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 14

As warned in my last recap, my overwhelmingly active social life (aka I actually did things for once because my best friend was visiting) prevented me from putting up this recap in a timely fashion. However, knowing I’m going to miss recapping Sophie’s Bachelorette season (devastating – I want to see if she’ll be on Gogglebox talking about her own dates) because of my work commitments, I wanted to do hometowns out of a desire for completeness.

The first person to lure Matty to her hometown is Tara, from the Gold Coast. She wants to take Matty to her ‘special place’


Turns out her special place is Movie World, and it must be approximately 6am because they have the place to themselves. Tara + rides is a great chance for another long session of Tara shrieking excitedly. I genuinely believe her finale montage could just be her eating phallic food and screaming. As they walk around the park he feels like he’s getting a preview of what life with Tara would be like. As she grabs his arse.

Boy receives fair warning about her brother Troy, but nonetheless it’s a bit of a surprise when they’ve only seemingly been there about 30 seconds and have met a series of charming small children when he drags Matty out for a chat around the barbecue – which seems like a dangerous place for an interrogation.


It’s not really too drastic. Although Troy cuts an intimidating figure in his backwards cap, he wants to know the same thing all the families want to know – will he pick Tara? None of these people are apparently familiar with the rules or the format of the show because of course the Bachie is strictly verboten from talking about love or who he’ll pick.


Anyway when Matty says he doesn’t know yet who he’ll pick, Troy responds with a deadpan ‘Liar’, and all the producers high-five themselves for getting their dramatic promo shot. Apart from that, everyone’s nice. In conversation with Tara’s sister, Matty calls Tara an ‘all-rounder’, which sounds the kind of thing my teachers would put on my report cards because I wasn’t particularly good at anything.

(I was just waiting for my time to shine…writing The Bachelor recaps for literally dozens of people)

When she tells him ‘I could really see myself falling in love with you’ as he leaves, Tara starts a fascinating trend of  the girls not telling The Bachie that they’re falling in love with him at hometowns. This is absolutely standard practice in series gone by, but I have a sneaking suspicion all of the ladies spent some time studying Nikki’s journey in Richie’s series. If you’re not familiar with her, she fell for that dropkick hard, and Australia was left heartbroken after he chose Stage Five Clinger Alex Nation. At hometowns, Nikki actually went one step beyond Alex – admitting to him ‘I’m totally in love with you’ versus Alex’s ‘I think I’m falling in love with you’. And while Tara probably holds emotions deeper than she reveals to him (she starts crying after he leaves, with her voiceover telling us ‘I’m not scared to fall in love. I’m scared of getting my heart broken, I worry that he won’t fall in love with me back’), it’s an interesting change in the usual formula of the show.

Matty’s off to Florence’s ‘hometown’ of Melbourne next, where he will be mildly offended that Florence’s entire family did not fly over from Holland. As a substitute, they ride some bikes for fifty metres for a ‘Dutch picnic’, which as I was disappointed to find out, is not a sexual innuendo but just a bunch of cheese. Florence assures as that ‘friends are the family you choose’ so today she will be introducing Matty to two of her close friends. She chooses one of her most ‘direct’ friends, presumably because she realises she looks exactly the same as Tara and, like Highlander…


Seriously, I feel like the Twittersphere have been completely ignoring this while they repeatedly assert that Georgia and Laura look exactly the same because they have brown hair…

Anyway, if you know you’re going to be making way for your doppelganger that’s likely to actually stick in the country, you might as well throw a few parting shots the Bachie’s way through your intimidating friend. She even goes out of her way to make him nervous on the way in the door. In addition, she makes him stop holding her hand during the conversation (‘Let go of my hand…it’s okay’). Honestly, Florence’s complete and utter Fuck It I’m Hanging Out With My Friends attitude during this hometown might actually be my favourite thing.  At the end she tells him ‘I feel like I’m on my way to falling in love with you’ and he just responds with blank look and straight on kiss. It’s so awkward that they probably should have just high-fived.
Actual footage:

Now it’s off to rainy South Australia to see Elise’s Family Elise, Totally Elise. They walk around getting wet but not in that way for a bit before Matty is finally allowed to see his beloved Phil, who he refers to as ‘Captain Phil’. He is thisclose to giving Phil the flowers he brought, inclined as he is to give blooms to people he’s in love with. Matty soon realises that he has a crush on Elise’s whole beautiful, white-teethed family. Even Elise’s Mum, who sneaks off to drink wine in the kitchen and drag Matty for his potato-mashing abilities. Elise smiles her face off the entire time – she’s so happy to have Matty together with her family. I mean, I know some families like this. When Matty says Elise’s family is something he’d ‘like to recreate’, it’s a bit odd, but I get it. Elise’s sister doesn’t seem like a nightmare tyrant, unlike Matty’s sister. But now I’m just sad that this entire lovely family is going to be heartbroken when Matty dumps them.


How dare you Matty?

Now we come to the best part of the episode, for it is time to meet the Best Dog In Sydney.

Buster is Laura’s three-legged rescue dog and an actual angel on earth, running around on the beach. This is where Matty meets them, and I quietly note with some sniggers that Buster doesn’t come when Matty calls, but when Laura says to go. Good instincts, Buster (of course, being a sook, Buster immediately starts pumping Matty for belly rubs).

Never forget, by the way, how Matty’s sister panicked at the idea of Free Babysitting Service Matty J leaving the state. It’s incredibly convenient that Laura lives in Sydney. Matty even mentions this: ‘It’s nice to be in your hometown…which is also my hometown’

They turn up some relos place/rented property and I’m personally devastated to see that this masterpiece isn’t framed somewhere:Screen Shot 2017-09-11 at 9.24.43 pm

Buster isn’t there either so the rest of it all is pretty dull. Nana drags Laura a bit for bringing a few guys home over the years (Laura tells him at the end that she hasn’t brought a guy home in years). Her sister gives Matty a light grilling, not too bad but it’s still beautiful to see his face fall over the course of the episode every time it doesn’t fly when he tries to give a charming smile instead of an actual answer. When Laura has  solo chat with her sister, she’s stressed out – does she put herself out on a limb letting him know how she feels, and potentially get hurt, or does she let him read between the lines? Oh yes, she definitely watched Richie’s season. Her sister urges her to go balls deep on this thing, but evidently she chooses the latter. As he leaves, they have a pash and a slightly awkward conversation:
Matty: Are you 100% certain?
Laura: Are you 100 certain? …You can’t answer. You know I want this.
Matty: But are you 100% certain?

She responds in the way most people would to a man who can give them no guarantees and who also has three other girlfriends: ‘Don’t do that, not if you can’t say the same thing back’. As much as I find it entirely understandable, at some point in finale week, Laura’s gonna have to go balls deep on this thing, because we know Tara will.

Screen Shot 2017-09-11 at 9.54.33 pm

Apparently you’re not allowed to compare notes on hometowns because the pre-rose-ceremony scene is just a montage of the girls drinking wine on their own in different parts of the mansion.


The girls line up and there is the stink of excessive sobriety in the air. Tara stands there with her hands clasped – she appears to be praying. Oh honey. He’s just not worth it. He picks Elise, then Tara. Laura appears to roll her eyes, a little butthurt that she’s been put in the bottom two (BALLS. DEEP). Florence looks vaguely sick because she presumably knows what’s coming. Osher gives Matty a little man-pat as he farewells Florence, meanwhile Tara shouts ‘we’ll see you soon!’ because maybe Bachie is less about the dripping man-candles and more about the friends we make along the way.


The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 13

As I know I will not be getting Thursday’s episode up in a timely fashion (not to worry, I’ll tell you now there will be some awkward chats then Florence is going home), I thought I’d try to power through Wednesday night’s episode. Even though Channel 10 is airing the terrible Dirty Dancing remake, and I’m submitting myself to it for the second time in a month. It’s making me so angry. Let’s fuel that in to some Bachie coverage.

Channel 10 came out of nowhere to promote this as Hometown Week. As I outlined in the last recap, there’s always four girls for hometowns, which meant two girls had to go home tonight. I’d already predicted that Elora and Cobie would go home next, but I didn’t get the order quite right, so I guess I don’t quite get to indulge in my favourite activity.

But first, we must swim through an ocean of awkwardness and James Blunt.

Elora, Tara, Florence, Cobie, Laura and Elise turn up to someone’s yard. Osher doesn’t even have to invite them, they just know. He tells them that the winner of this date gets to spend more time with Matty and JAMES BLUNT. The reaction is not unlike this:bees
In the yard is a set of six podiums. Today’s first activity is framed as a ‘self-awareness’ exercise but it’s essentially just a way to try to make a bunch of essentially nice girls act mean. And while Elora is no Jen or Leah, her lack of self-awareness does essentially paint her as the villain. The girls are meant to cooperate to sort themselves in order of ‘most to least’ for questions like ‘Who is the most positive?’ ‘Who is the most down to earth?'”
It’s….excruciatingly awkward, to ask girls to rank themselves like this.

Important parts:

  1. Everyone knows Tara is the funniest because she is a queen.
  2. Tara tries to gently tell Elora that she should step down on the funny thing because she’s ‘more sexy than funny’. Tara of course being the proof that you can be both.
  3. Elora and Tara head straight to the top for ‘most down to earth’ and Florence asks Elora ‘What are you doing here?’. I genuinely find the whole thing so painful but…

Elora is many things but she is not exactly ‘down to earth’.

At the end of this round, Laura and Tara do not go through. I genuinely don’t think this is because they are not liked, but because they were most willing to take the fall to protect egos and avoid fights. Anything to make this segment shorter, basically.

The next segment is about dealbreakers! The two girls whose dealbreakers most align with Matty’s will go through. Also balloons.

Guess what Matty’s number one dealbreaker is? No, guess!

Yes you were correct, it’s ‘not wanting kids’. God these guys are just writing the blog for me at this stage. Anyway, the really shocking part was that Elora, who seemed to be tailoring her answers to appeal to Matty (duh), did NOT pick this as one of her dealbreakers.

If you need a babydaddy and you’re planning to steal Matyy J from Laura in the future, you should know his other dealbreakers are: cheating, lying, stubbornness, bad manners AND the tiebreaker dealbreaker ‘incompatible in the bedroom’, because not everyone can be the little spoon I guess.

Elise and Elora move on to the next round, and we’re not done with the awkward turtle I guess, because they have to write down their ideas on relationships and their expectations, and then read them out to Matty….at an altar. While the other girls watch on a TV screen. Shame none of them could livetweet, given that’s basically the only way to deal with watching this garbage show. Elise says all the right things and Elora just says all of the things. There are many words. All the girls say how ‘full-on’ and ‘intense’ it was.
lov you

To the surprise of no-one, he chooses Elise to Get Blunted. Matty decides to dress up like The Fonz to take his lady out for a dance.
Screen Shot 2017-09-06 at 10.42.13 pm


Anyway apparently James Blunt ships it because he mutters ‘Go on then’ as he shuffles offstage.

Cobie finally gets another single date after the horse peen debacle. Matty really wants to test their romantic connection. Even predicting what I did, it was extremely clear that nothing short of a very drastic move here was going to see Cobie go home this episode. Matty has not been shy of his strong connection with the leading ladies, and nor has he been shy of sending people home.
Anyway, the first thing Matty does is hand her a bright pink stackhat (which she is thrilled about, because she is thrilled about everything, oh god it’s exhausting). It’s almost like….he was preparing her for something.

But before she can face her emotions, she must face the world from a great height. She makes a great show of being scared of heights when they turn up at an elevated obstacle course, but then gets through it fine. They seem to have fun, and get a bit touchy-feely.

The clearest sign that this is her death knell is when they pull up afterwards and drink cider. CIDER. We are a wine family in this house, dammit! There’s not even any bloody cheese. It’s undignified. And then he makes her pour her heart out before he dumps her, telling her he doesn’t see it progressing beyond a friendship, like he always planned to. It’s really like kicking a puppy.

Back at the cocktail party, which, lacking a certain Bachie, is pretty much just the girls getting smashed in fancy dresses (and I have some serious resentment for what’s about to happen, because Tara my queen is looking STUNNING tonight), the girls are predicting what’s going to happen. Mostly, Cobie’s gonna waltz in any second with a rose. Instead, Osher turns up to rain on their parade. Ladies, Cobie and Matty had a great time today but they’ve decided to not-so-consciously uncouple. Also PS there’s a rose ceremony in five minutes.
Elora is bummed because she was planning to talk to Matty before the rose ceremony, presumably hoping to perform some sex magic on him to convince him to let her stay. Buuuuuuut nope. He is quite apologetic to her, saying that he is not the guy who would ‘go on amazing adventures’ with her and he’s afraid if they were together he would ‘clip her wings’. Guys, it doesn’t take a genius to see the subtext here – she kept talking about wanting to travel the world, and didn’t show sufficient enthusiasm re: the motherhood question. Fundamentally, they weren’t very compatible. Elora has a case of the butthurts, but hopefully she recovers soon enough when she realises that travelling the world is way better than sprogging off kids for this dillweed forever,

Speaking of travel, my bestie is travelling interstate to visit me from tomorrow for a weekend of Book of Mormon and My Favorite Murder and delicious pastries, so it’s highly unlikely there’ll be a recap for episode 14 up promptly. I will aim to have it done by the end of the weekend.



The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episodes 11 and 12

Sometimes, life doesn’t want you to tell people about this week’s The Bachelor in detail. Sometimes, life wants you to spend more than 5 hours of your day in meetings, the majority of that time spent writing notes by hand.wrist

It’s a bumper post, however, as I managed to carve out some time on the weekend to make fun of Matty some more add some more details.

It’s like Christmas in the mansion. Why’s that? Because Jen’s left. The mischievous music matches Tara’s joy.

Knowing that now the villains are out of the way, it’s time to concentrate on Actual Relationships, and everyone’s sure it must be Simone’s time for a glory. She’s the only girl left in the house who hasn’t had a single date. Osher meanly turns up to remind everyone that the only way to strengthen their relationship is alone time….and then hands out a date card that’s addressed to Laura, who seems to have had a significant amount of alone time (which is to be expected, she is a favourite, and Matty knows in his heart he will not be making a former topless waitress the mother of his brood of children). She apologises to Simone, but she’s excited. She knows what a winner smells like.

The clue for the date is ‘Do you believe your destiny is written in the stars? Let’s see what the future holds for us’.

Laura has clearly seen this garbage show before, because she managed to predict all the major elements of the date….although she does repeatedly call the Observatory a ‘Conservatorium’. It’s kinda hard not to enjoy Laura. Obviously many minus points for liking this dingbat in the first place, but as they reminisce about their first date, she remembers the portrait of her that he drew – she still has it, and ‘it’s frightening’.

The first element of the date is to visit a psychic. Weirdly, as that’s exactly what Matty’s been indicating in the pre-date interview, this psychic thinks that Laura is a bit more guarded and wants to spend a bit more time getting to know someone. This is of course only really a flaw in Bachelor-land, but it was clear on their first date that she’s not super comfortable with the process. Anyway, Laura clearly thinks psychics are nonsense, which is one reason she is great. As they talk about their star signs, Matty asks if he’s ‘easy to read’ and Laura confirms this. I mean, you’re not subtle, mate.


When night falls, they walk across the street to the Conservatorium Observatory and after a cheeky bit of sky-gazing (chaperoned by an astronomer), he breaks it to her. They’re going to name a star – a relatively young star. And he knew Laura was the perfect woman for him as she responded by shrieking

‘We’re going to name a BABY’

(They name it ‘Mataura’ so I have questions about whether these two should really be allowed to combine their DNA)

In their post-date winey cheesey session, he prods her about her wall and not letting him in and generally lamenting that he doesn’t have an ice dragon. She tells him ‘It’s hard to be completely and utterly open, and be so excited about this when you’re… not mine’ which is a legitimate thing to say to a man with seven other girlfriends. She does think that this is all amazing ‘Do you really think? ‘Yeah, I really think – What do you think?’ ‘I want to know more about what you think’


Seriously though that was an awful flashback to his first date with Elora.

He gives her a rose and gives her a performance review of their date:

‘There’s nothing nicer than when your expectations are met…and today they were definitely met’

Group date! Matty hasn’t pushed the kid thing enough so he literally decides their group date should be a kid’s party. First the girls are confronted by shirts featuring childhood photos. Everyone is mean about Laura’s photo – in interview Elora says she looked awful, and Florence says she looks like an ugly monkey.
(She looks like a child)

Simone vehemently denies being a natural-born redhead to the belief of no-one.

There’s some theme here about their pasts revealing who they are now but given this date involves eating donuts on a string we might as well just say Matty really likes kids and leave it at that. He also likes inappropriately touching ladies, which comes in handy when the girls put a childhood memory in a balloon and they have to pop the balloon with their bodies. Elora starts the proceedings with Tara commenting ‘they were in so many…positions’. Queen Tara cries ‘Alright Matty bend over’ then momentarily mistakes him for Ginuwine, riding him like a pony.
Another part of the date involves a memorable object from their childhood. Three significant things here:
1. Simone’s Mum has either confused her for a sister (definitely something my Mum would do), or thrown her under a bus for exposing her lack of cooking skills on national television, because she sends along a pair of ballet shoes. Simone has never done ballet and has to deftly lie about it.
2. Florence has had a creepy little teddybear sent along, and tells Matty when she was mad she used to cut its ears and legs off. I’d be getting that thing blessed by a young priest and an old priest because…

3. Matty gets really excited when he realises Elise’s ‘Adventurers’ cap relates to time spent a) outdoors and b) with her Dad.

There’s also a game of ‘pin the heart on the bachelor’ (referred to by Osher as ‘shameless exploitation’ like this is something new and different for the show)
The most significant part of which is when Simone reveals her thirst and puts her heart on his Little Matty Johnson. In addition Tara continues her status as an enthusiastic Arse Woman.

He chooses Elise to spend extra time with and they enthuse about how they ‘share the same values’ i.e both really like Elise’s Dad, Paul. There’s a lot of talk about the ‘spark’ they share and he gives her a rose. But I think this is 90% just Matty needing a father figure. Pick Osher!


With our villains gone the cocktail parties are a bit more chill. Laura notes she is increasingly feeling more jealous of his connections with other girls (this comes up when he is talking to Tara), and Elora ‘hates herself’ for not talking to him at the last 3 parties, which is not a bad bit of context for the next episode. She does in fact talk to him at this party, as he whisks her off to the secret garden, or, as Tara dubs it, ‘the Seeky-G’. As Matty asks her about their future together, she enthuses about the travelling they’ll do – but when pressed she assures him that she’s ready to settle down.


(I think this, not her actions in the next episode, will be the kiss of death for her next week)

No-one in the world, not even Simone, is shocked when she is sent home at the rose ceremony.

Osher drops by to remind everyone that home towns are coming up and maybe they should remind everyone back home to get back on their meds before this slice of vanilla sponge cake is allowed to meet them. He also drops off a date card:
‘Last time we fell for one another – let’s take things to new heights’
Everyone knows it’s Florence so that’s….not exciting.
He picks her up in a helicopter, because apparently Channel 10 found a tiny bit of space in the budget, and after stepping out of the chopper, tells her he’s never been in one before.

They’re dropped off at a remote locate somewhere in/around the Royal National Park. Just a nice normal place to do some…pottery. Apparently Matty has won awards for his pottery, his particular speciality being smoking bowls. Seems fake tbh, and an extremely elaborate setup for the Ghost moment (the Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze movie, not the direwolf)

Sorry just got distracted thinking about how much better this show could be with the threat of random direwolf attacks

Anyway he does start rubbing up behind her after her pottery starts taking a phallic turn and he wants to set her on the right course. She tells us ‘I know if this was the real world, this would be something really good’ but unfortunately for her it’s a fake-arse reality TV show. He then takes her to a random couch set up perched on a precipice in the middle of bushland (good idea, easier for predators to sneak up on you) and makes her repeat how much she enjoyed him sitting sort of awkwardly next to/behind her while a low-budget Unchained Melody played over the soundtrack. After all, he wants her to get serious. No more jokes! She discusses how hard it is, with six other girls still left. She’s happy she made it this far, but she can’t ignore the other girls. None of the girls are really letting him off the hook with this whole ‘yeah you’re still dating a WHOLE BUNCH of other people’ thing. She gets a rose and they have a pash after he carefully explains that he’s putting the moves on her. I like Flo – she seems like delight – but at this point, if they’ve had two single dates and haven’t talked about babies once? She’s top three, at best.

At the group date we all want to practice our boxing skills on Osher’s face when he asks the activewear-clad girls if they are ‘fit to find love’ god Osher stoppppppp.

Anyway they’re lycra-clad to write their biggest fears about falling in love on a piece of wood. No, they’re lycra-clad to learn about boxing from a guy named Michael! And then they have to punch through the scary piece of chipboard. It’s all very dumb. I usually try to write detailed notes but this is what I had when they introduced the boxing element”
Few things here:
1. Matty talks to Lisa while she’s writing and she doesn’t like talking about her feelings. I talked about this in my first and second recaps, that Lisa’s emotional reserve was going to be Their Thing. This is not a bachie who will deal with you keeping your feelings to yourself (and that’s not really a story that this show is set up to support).
2. Lisa punches Matty in the stomach or The Little Matty Johnson (we don’t really see) and then punches him in the head. That may be the moment she gives up:
2. Cobie has a very emotional fear about falling in love in relation to her past behaviour. She’s not happy when she has to read this out loud, and is not pleased with the outcome.
3. When Matty chooses Tara to spend extra time with over dinner,  it’s pretty obvious it has nothing to do with her performance on this date, but because he really bloody fancies Tara.
(As a note, the only fears we heard were Cobie, Elise, Tara and Laura’s).

He makes Tara trek in to the city in her activewear, so they can go to a hotel and get changed there. Tara sculls a bit of champagne to take the edge off, which is fair.  She looks stunning, which Matty appreciates, as she emerges for their rooftop dinner of pad thai made by a private chef. Here’s some actual footage of me any time I’m eating pad thai:
I mean, I get to have the whole thing to myself and there’s no-one sitting across from me trying to mentally calculate my remaining fertile years and whether the name ‘Mara’ can be used if it’s a boy, so I still think I’m winning.

Anyway, Tara’s full of champagne and she’s ready to put it all on the line! Which basically means telling Matty that she likes him and looks forward to introducing him to her family. His ears prick up at the word ‘family’ and speaking of pricks… he gives her a rose. Much pashing ensues. Matty tells us ‘When I’m with Tara, she just becomes the most important thing to me….for that moment, Tara is the only girl in the world’, which to be fair is pretty much how I feel when Tara is onscreen.

The ~scandal~ at the cocktail party occurs when Elora pulls aside Matty for a chat and then decides to pull him out of view for a kiss, which he declines, on account of the fact that it is disrespectful to the other girls. Is this why we never got to see Laura’s chat in the Seeky-G? Because it could potentially be a tiny bit hypocritical if he had in fact kissed a girl at a cocktail party before? Anyway the girls work out what happened and aren’t happy. Elora’s worried she’d be sent home.

Speaking of the Seeky G, Matty pulled Cobie aside to tell her that he really appreciated her honesty on the group date and to give her a rose. She reacts as subtly as you’d expect:

Anyway, it turns out Matty will choose too much thirst over not enough thirst any day. Lisa just couldn’t quite get there in her feelings for him, so she is sent home.

And at this point, I am going to predict my running order for the next eliminations:

Laura and Tara

Ultimately I think Laura’s going to take it, but I think there’s gonna be some very tough moments getting there. I adore our Bogan Queen, I don’t want her to get her heart broken, but I also want to spare her a future as Matty’s brood mare.


The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 10


‘But I’m such a good cooooooook!’

Ding dong, the witch is dead. But it was some manufactured bullshit, and I want to talk about that, so I’m breaking with chronological format. We can come back to Elise and Matty’s Knight Bus snorefest later.

To trace this nonsense however, we do have to backpedal a little bit, to the group date. The date card reads ‘Let’s live every day like it’s summer’ and everyone’s invited. They go to the beach on a pretty garbage-looking day – and in fact it starts pissing down rain at the end. There’s a bunch of vaguely sports-related events – throwing balls around in a pool cleaning net, tossing thongs, and volleyball. I get the feeling the producers got drunk to come up with those ones. Sports-related dates always bring out the competitive side of the girls, and for Jen, watching paint dry could be a competitive sport. But a sudden rivalry appeared out of thin air for Jen this episode, and it had a mighty whiff to it.


Lisa’s apparent crime, at the start of the date, was her youth and immaturity. Now Jen has never noted any problem at all with Lisa that we’ve seen, as she’s mostly been heaping shit on people like Simone (who she now seems chummy with now that her buddy Michelle has left, RIP). Jen gets more riled up over the group date, as her team (consisting of herself, Florence, Simone, Laura, and Elise) are smashed by Lisa, Elora, Tara and Cobie. At the end of the second round, with Jen and Lisa going head-to-head with a patriotic round of throwing-thongs-into-eskies, Jen declares Lisa to be her ‘target to sabotage’.

Shout out to my fellow 80’s movie fans, but every time any villain gets this thirsty, I just start thinking ‘you must chill!’

Anyway, the reason Jen thinks Lisa Tucker must die or whatever comes out at the end of this segment. Apparently Lisa isn’t even attracted to Matty, and once Lisa’s team win the day, Jen starts pondering if Matty should be enlightened to this fact.

So, at the cocktail party, she tells him. She does not, as she tells the girls, ‘suggest he talk to Lisa’. She says ‘I think you need to be really mindful of Lisa. She’s said you’d been like a brother…she’s not that in to you’. Now, we saw on the group date that Lisa is in fact worried that she doesn’t feel as strongly about Matty as some of the rest of the group, so this is not entire bullshit. But when the other girls call her out for also saying that Lisa has purported that Matty is on the show the ‘keep his social status up’ (i.e stay in the public eye), it comes out that Jen allegedly overheard all these things being said when she was ‘in her room doing push-ups’. I’ll let Laura ask the pertinent question here:

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Could it be, say, a producer? My suspicion became very strong on this one after Jen stormed off in a huff after getting in to this spat (not even a particularly bad one, I must say). Jen is not willing to fight this one out because she knows there’s a fib in there that she can’t defend. But my suspicion that this is highly manufactured was seriously piqued as Jen cried to a producer (uttering the classic line ‘I’m THE game-changer, I’m not A game-changer’) – the producer knew she wanted to quit and encouraged her to do a foot stomp, asking her if she’d regret it if she left without giving the girls a piece of her mind.

Come on. This is some A-grade manufactured bullshit. The producers put her in this position to create more drama (and possibly bring Lisa back in to the game), and she just wants to quit before she gets busted for it on national television. Instead, she wants to create her own narrative. ‘I’m the girl that walked away from Matty J’


Feels appropriate to end that section of the recap at 666 words. Let’s move on. Other things happened!

Most importantly, our queen Tara was smashing a sausage (down boy) when Matty wanted to talk to her at the end-of-group-date victory barbie, so she just took it with her. And then pulled the ultimate power move of shoving it in his mouth.Screen Shot 2017-08-24 at 11.05.09 pm
I honestly can’t wait til Tara’s finale montage (she’ll come second, making her a shoo-in for Bachelorette), which will just be a series of shots of her swearing and eating phallic-shaped food.

I suppose we really must cover Matty’s date with Elise, which opened the episode. One of the first things he mentions to her was how great it was to meet her Dad. Phil does indeed seem like a legend and his wingman skills are clearly par excellence because hey, here’s Elise on a single date right now. But I’m really not sure about mentioning someone’s Dad straight up….and then shortly afterwards, upon visiting a florist, mentioning that your own Mum is pretty much the only woman you buy flowers for (err I guess he doesn’t technically pay for all those roses…). Matty, how about we just leave the parents out of all flirting endeavours entirely. She is however excited to receive a bouquet, as no man has bought her flowers again. When Matty expresses surprise, she cackles that ‘Yeah my last boyfriend was not ideal’  (I feel like American Bachie would have wrenched more from that). Anyway, he’s got Elise on a double-decker bus, presumably the one all those girls keep getting thrown under, something something lived in London. He’s showing Elise some of his favourite spots in Sydney, which seem to involve aforementioned florist, a….tennis club?…and finally a park. Mad tour bro. Elise is scared to let her competitive side out when Matty asks her to play some hockey – she’s a former Hockeyroo and presumably has scared some guys off before! Matty is in to it though, and they flirt and wrestle around on the ground while awkwardly not kissing for  while. The moment to kiss just passes….so many times.


I was really starting to worry about Elise. She seems very lovely, but after the cheek kiss debacle last week, and then this hesitation (he was definitely making the Fuck Eyes at her), I thought she was a goner. But it turns out all she needed was a bit more awkward chat in a hot tub on a boat. They have a pash and he gives her a rose.

Matty is very effusive in his praise of Elise in this episode, and talks a lot about the ‘slow burn’ situation that he sees as reflective of his journey with Georgia. My favourite smart Bachie person Jodi McAlister talked about this in her episode 9 recap, in a far more intelligent way than I can, but basically, that story, it doesn’t fly in Bachie land. The slow-burn doesn’t work in their storytelling mode. It stinks of retcon, but of course, this isn’t all happening in real time. If they needed to tell the Love Story of Matty and Elise, they wouldn’t be starting over halfway through the season. Matty and Georgia shared their first kiss in episode 6, and we’re at episode 10 here. No, this seems much more like a ploy to make the show a more genuine competition – Laura and Tara are the clear frontrunners right now, but we’ve still got a whole lot more show to get through.

And the question is, without the villain, where is the tension going to come from? The show now needs to start making drama from the actual relationships – with the girls left mostly being Nice Girls, the question is now ‘does she like him enough?’ ‘can she put herself and her feelings on the line?’ and, of course, the big one ‘IS SHE READY TO HAVE A BABY IN SPRING 2018?’.

Until next week, gird your uterus.