Bachelor in Paradise Australia: Episode 9

Your girl’s laid up at home right now after spraining her ankle on the way to Sydney this weekend. This is my first viewing of Sunday night’s episode and in the interests of getting this up before the next episode in about three hours, I’m just gonna write the recap as I watch. Not my usual mode! I typically take detailed notes as I watch and then write separately. If Channel Ten would just release us from this hellish schedule I could just go back to what works for me, but I guess this is where we’re at. Not having seen this episode, now that Apollo is here there are no guys that I am aware of left to enter, but at least 3 or 4 women that I know of through trailers/being spotted on set. So we’ve still got a bit of an ahem ‘journey’ ahead of us.

Osher tells us that ‘mateship was thrown out the window’ at last week’s dramarama bros ceremony. I’m not sure how the ANZACs would feel about this use of mateship but he did indeed ‘dog his mate’ and I am dying to see if Lisa is showing any interest in him at this point or if was all a show just to let Luke know she has options.

Michael makes the stunning claim to Grant and Megan that ‘Even I didn’t see that coming’, which Megan immediately calls bullshit on because she is the greatest. Mate. We saw you planning it all episode. And you spent at least 3 hours writing your Oscars acceptance speech about selling out. Megan wants to know what the hell happens now – Michael is planning on letting Lisa come to him now he’s made his attentions known. Just a thought – there could have been some private way he could have done that if that’s all he wanted to do. Oh well. Lisa and Luke are off chatting about how Like didn’t see it coming, and he feels like it puts him in a tough position if Michael wants to get to know her. If Lisa is trying to reassure him, she does a terrible job if it, telling him that both Luke and Michael were guys she was interested in getting to know coming in. Luke wants to clarify her feelings for Michael: ‘There’s absolutely nothing there’….and she essentially accepted the rose in shock. ‘Michael is an awesome guy, but I’m interested in you‘. Lisa thinks its brought them together, which is going to be a treat for Michael to find out! So glad Nina basically got sent home because of all this nonsense (although Michael would have likely been pressured by Keira to give his rose to her, so I guess the net result is the same).

Eden is still whinging about how he was a real martyr because Nina wouldn’t let him pash her on national television for ten days. Sam tells him ‘You are far better than the situation than you were subjected to’. To me, that situation seems to be ‘a very mild case of blue balls’, and I’m so glad I can cancel Sam again. Even my Greek god Apollo better be ready to be cancelled if he insists on pursuing someone who has established a clear boundary with him that he refuses to respect.

A date card is here – Michael would take Lisa on a date for sure if he got it, and we all prey he will so we can be saved from this terrible plotline. Alas, Eden The Annoying gets it, and we all know he’s taking Elora off so he make some weird comments about her body comparing her to meat. Eden: ‘What are you doing?’ Elora: ‘I’m…going on a date?’. And then the most relatable thing in Paradise occurs: Simone leans over and whispers to her ‘What if Apollo comes in and you’re gone?’. And okay, I think everyone who has been here for nearly two weeks (hissing: particularly Tara) should get first dibs on Apollo, but I definitely understand the concern. No-one wants to miss an opportunity there. And Elora is very firm in not wanting to go on this date and missing Apollo: ‘every time he was on screen he just had this presence that drew me in’ (they’re called abs, it’s okay), but she doesn’t want to hurt Eden. Why not just hurt Eden? He’s rubbish, and he’s going to blame you for his case of blue balls eventually too.

Michael hopes Eden acts respectfully and slows the fuck down, because word is he has freaked Elora out by getting ‘all funky fresh’ (golly our Michael has a way with words) and draping his arm around her post rose ceremony. I’m going to say that he is going to have a lot of difficulty with this.

Channel Ten offer him (and her) a small punishment by making them climb up a giant sand dune for their date. She is NOT feeling how touchy-feely and territorial he is being, and when they set up their boogie boards for sand-duning (that is what this activity is called, I have decided) he tries to hop on one with her and the body language should be EXTREMELY CLEAR YOU IDIOT. This may be even worse than the Megan/Jared date, I think. We cut to Keira and Megan chatting just for some sweet relief. Keira is very grateful for Luke giving her a second chance.

Jared is talking to Jarrod, presumably just to confuse Twitter. It seems that maybe Jarrod is convinced Simone is too young, but once again the editing in this show is so fucking terrible. Michael asks Simone about the date and she says while it was a good date, but there was no spark and she wasn’t attracted to him (I’m sorry to be such an ancient stick-in-the-mud, but why kiss in that circumstance?). She wants a pretty boy! A pretty boy with a good personality who doesn’t look in the mirror all the time! Last episode her priority was a guy who wouldn’t lose interest in her, but okay!

The important part here is of course that ‘pretty boy with a good personality’ is the perfect intro for our Magician/DJ/Dorky Angel Apollo. He’s got his white shorts and lobster shirt on and he is ready for Paradise, FINALLY, GOD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING HIM I HATE YOU. Tara has already fallen in love with an idiot and I think it’s too late to save her! In another moment of deep delusion, Apollo thinks he is remembered for an awkward date moment, and not when he was shirtless and dressed up as an actual literal god.

Apollo is determined not to hold back this time! He’s going to find his lady! In fact, he’s going to come in to Paradise and ‘hopefully make some magic happen’, and then laughs at his own joke like the huge dork he is. Oooh…and he’s walking in with a date card. No-one has ever been more excited than every man on this island – Luke leaps out of the pool and picks him up (hooooow?). The girls are apparently ‘frothing’ – Megan tells us the girls have been talking about him non-stop since they got there. Michael encourages Leah and Simone to pounce. Apparently Elora has been telling everyone he’s the entire reason she’s there.

The horrifically awkward date of Eden and Elora continues. She’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to have to sit and talk with him because she doesn’t want to discuss feelings, which same. He asks her why she’s on the date with him, and answers that she doesn’t know him. What is she looking for? She’s looking for a spark – it could be a slow burn, and he completely talks over her. He then thanks her for coming on the date with him and the hug, with her giving him a kiss on the cheek. ‘Ahh the cheek’ he exclaims out loud, like a fucking predatory. Oh my god someone please release Elora. The girls have the roses this week you fucking idiot, stop acting like a weirdo creep and someone might keep you in out of pity at least. He realises he’s not getting a kiss and for some reason starts…what he thinks is a food fight which is just him shoving food at her with crazy eyes while she protests. What is wrong with this man.

Apollo is getting the hot goss with Jarrod and Luke about who’s single and Luke casually drops in to conversation to Elora is…very…keen to meet him, when Tara and Sam come screeching in. Apparently Tara and Apollo are already good friends (they are both Gold Coast folks), which isn’t annoying to me on some level at all. Pah. Turns out Apollo has been way too scared to approach the girls yet, even though he’s here clutching a date card. Sam volunteers with matchmaking, even though his previous efforts have mostly been terrible. Keira turns up, and Jarrod mutters that Apollo ‘is 24, he’s just a kid’. Maybe, but he is the most respectful dude we have seen grace our series in this entire franchise. Keira would run roughshod over him, but he’s not too immature for her. He’s just a good person.

And it’s taken me and hour and a half to recap 22 minutes of show, so I might just drop some detail level here because I’m not getting this out before tonight’s episode otherwise. God I hate TenPlay so much. The simple process of pausing and resuming can take an eon.

Keira and Apollo chat. She would be happy to ‘kiss him…just for Australia’ but there’s no chemistry here, she thinks he’s too young. His body sure is ‘rigged’ according to Keira, a previously non-existent term I think I will adopt.

Exhaustingly, Jarrod tells Keira he is back on her. How is this possible. Why is this possible. Just pash you fucking idiots.

Apollo takes Simone off for a chat and Leah threatens Elora’s head exploding. Apollo and Simone have a little giggle together, including about Simone adorning Matty J’s penis with a sticker. He says she has a ‘beautiful childlike nature’ which is a bit off, but she’s not put off from him calling her ‘Penis Sticker Girl’. He gives her the date card. Hilariously, Tara and Sam who constantly boast on their Instagrams at their special drama-avoiding abilities, are here champing at the bit for Elora return and everything to kick off.

She does, and Ali lets her know the situation. Apparently Simone and Elora had discussed her lust for Apollo even before the show. Elora instructs Simone not to feel bad but then seems to get mad that Simone mentioned Elora was interested in him – of course, Luke was way ahead of her on this one.

Jake, Michael and Eden are off chatting, and Michael tells Eden that he stinks. Truer words were never spoken. Eden is struggling because Apollo is a beautiful angel and he can’t even deny it. Speaking of, Elora still feels like he’s fair game so she’s going for it. Surprise surprise, Simone gets her nose out of joint at the mere act of Elora taking him for a chat. Ali ‘can’t believe she doesn’t have her friend’s back’, which, okay, but Simone doesn’t really have a leg to stand on by saying all other bitches ain’t loyal to their friends. Maybe just chill out and see how your date goes mate, because right now you’re trying to piss your mark on him on the basis of a five-minute conversation and a date card.

Michael: ‘I can see that blowing up’ Megan: ‘I hope so’. Good god, everyone’s desperate for drama that does not involve them. Megan accurately assesses that does not ‘seem like an arsehole’ (and therefore may not be a great match for Simone who gets a bit fiery). Elora and Simone go off for a chat and Elora asks Simone not to mention her, as it might kill her chances if he thinks she’s all over him. Chat to Luke, mate. And also, in future, maybe don’t tell everyone literally how hard you’re gagging for someone.

Jarrod takes Keira for a mini-date. I don’t care. Grow the fuck up. I will note that he describes her as his ‘purpose in life’.

Elora makes the bizarre choice to complain to Eden about Simone going out with Apollo and feeling unwanted. This is….not the person to complain to about this?

It’s another crappy weather date (what an ad for Fiji this show is) for Apollo and Simone, but that doesn’t stop her from suggesting he takes his top off so she can sunscreen him up. Relatable. Their date is some sort of challenge borrowed from Survivors, collecting bottles from balloons/buoys. She capsizes them and Apollo her tosses her back in like she is a small child, as everyone is to him, because he’s a fucking unit. She keeps capsizing (maybe on purpose at this point) but this is becoming a bit of a theme for her dates.

Elora wants everyone to know she is butthurt, and they are all sick of her. Keira wishes Apollo could make them both disappear and then laughs heartily at her own joke. Meanwhile, post-date, Apollo and Simone are chatting over a wine. ‘Apollo makes me feel like a child again’ – god, this is a weird ongoing theme. Is it just the size? Or is she just really immature? The things in the bottle are questions for them to ask each other. Apollo says he ‘is just looking for someone to create a story with’, which is a bit cute. Simone expresses to Apollo that she’s worried Elora will give him her rose and she won’t get to give one to him, a valid fear on this show but probably not one to mention to him…

I’m still angry at Sam so I do not want to devote time (thanks to TenPlay being so buggy it is now less than half an hour to Monday’s episode) on his romantic gesture to build (‘with some help’) a little shack thingy for Tara. I suppose we’ve all got to find something to fill the sober hours. She’s delighted, blind as she is to Apollo’s vastly superior charms.

(Can you imagine Apollo making an ‘I have needs!’ speech?)

Unfortunately, she tells us she’s falling in love with Sam.

Apollo and Simone return from their date and Elora has never been more excited to see two people not holding hands. Everyone demands to know whether they’d kissed (‘no), and then drags Simone off for a chat, but she’s feeling defensive. Elora says ‘can you promise me you didn’t bring my name up in conversation?’, which we know she did. Simone tries to shrug it off.

The guys want to know if he’s attracted to her, which he is, but he’d like more time. Jarrod wants to know if he wants to get know other girls, ‘or Elora’, and honestly, Simone is not the villain here in the ‘bringing Elora up constantly’ field. In the girls chat, Simone and Elora both state that they would like to give Apollo their rose, which is extremely awkward. Elora and Simone go off for a chat and Jarrod makes everyone pay attention to it. Simone doesn’t know how they can be friends if they’re both interested in the same guy.

There’s mention of Simone and Elora’s ‘bad history’ which has made its way through the Bachelor grapevine. The rumour is that in the outside world, Elora had hit on a guy that Simone was interested in at an event. It turns out (it was kind of whispered in passed) this was awful Courtney from Georgia Love’s season. Elora thinks that Simone is the origin of this rumour. Time for another insufferable argument on this show. If Simone told people this story, then her then crying about having her personal life brought in was ridiculous. If she didn’t, then it’s tacky of Elora. Either way it doesn’t reflect well on either of them. Begone!